PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES

BAYWATCH

H1/2 R, 116 minutes. Starts tonight at Niantic, Waterford, Stonington, Westbrook, Lisbon. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has so much charisma it can be seen from space. His charisma should be considered a national resource and channeled to power homes and solve world hunger. It’s a precious and powerful tool that has lifted middling comedies like “Central Intelligence” and revved up the “Fast and Furious” franchise. But with the sloppy, incoherent “Baywatch,” that unstoppable force meets its match. Shockingly, The Rock’s charisma just can’t save everything. One would think that the combination of Johnson and the sweet, dumb himbo charms of Zac Efron could cause a cinematic nuclear reaction, as it seemed throughout the production and marketing of the big screen take on the iconic ’90s show. But what ends up on the screen, after months of anticipation, is just a mess. Poorly edited, terribly written, and tonally all over the place, “Baywatch” squanders all of its potential for some corny, sexy throwback fun. Johnson steps into the red swim trunks made famous by David Hasselhoff as Mitch, lifeguard extraordinaire — waterman, hero, leader, quite possibly Aquaman himself. He leads a bevy of bodacious babes (Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach, and Ilfenesh Hadera) in patrolling the bay, protecting all beach-loving denizens from any danger that might come their way. Efron is disgraced Olympic swimmer Matt Brody, a pretty Ryan Lochte-type bad boy, with the tragic blonde highlights to prove it. Police Captain Thorpe (Rob Huebel) assigns the Olympian to the lifeguard team as a PR stunt, a fulfillment of his community service hours after a mystery plea deal. The contentious duo learn to be a team through many ocean-based rescues, boy-band nicknames, gay panic and light-hearted corpse desecration. This bombastic reboot, directed incompetently by Seth Gordon, is held together with nothing more than hopes, dreams and neoprene, and inevitably, all of those systems fail. — Katie Walsh, Tribune News Service PG-13, 129 minutes. Starts Friday at Niantic. Starts tonight at Mystic Luxury Cinemas, Westbrook, Stonington, Westbrook, Lisbon. Since Hollywood loves a nostalgic reboot, it’s no surprise that the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise is setting sail once again, six years after 2011’s “On Stranger Tides.” For this film, subtitled “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” Disney has hired a lesser-known filmmaking duo to reanimate the series — a pair of Norweigan filmmakers, Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg, who helmed the 2012 oceanic adventure film “Kon-Tiki.” What they’ve delivered is a cookie-cutter “Pirates” movie that faithfully follows the formula. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” is a strictly color-by-numbers affair. Watching it feels like reading a recipe attempting to replicate what made these films appealing in the first place. Mix one swaggering, slurring, Johnny Depp (heavy on the eyeliner), one headstrong young lass in a cleavage-baring corset, and one noble, handsome upstart. Fold in a waterlogged supernatural villain, then haphazardly sprinkle a daring heist, an execution escape, and several nautical battles. Finish with a supremely outlandish denouement. The story laid on top of that concerns young sailor Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), determined to free his father, Will (Orlando Bloom), from a watery cursed existence. Henry believes the notorious Jack Sparrow (Depp) will help him find the trident of Poseidon to break the curse. It’s a wonder anyone thinks Sparrow can do anything in his rum-sodden state, but Turner links up with the soggy old pirate and a young woman, imprisoned for witchcraft (read: science), Carina (Kaya Scodelario), who claims to have the Map No Man Can Read, a diary of astronomical instructions that she believes will lead them to the trident. They just have to escape Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), a Spanish captain doomed to a ghostly existence by Sparrow. He’s been working out his frustrations pillaging Captain Barbosa’s (Geoffrey Rush) fleet, making his way to Sparrow. Carina leads this whole brigade with her map to the stars. Despite following her, no one actually believes that she knows she’s talking about. It’s frustrating, but