Rick's list

Many years ago, when my friend Tim and I were in that phase of entitled youth I like to call "Boy, it's fun to be jackasses!," one of our favorite things was to throw trash out the windows of our cars. Nothing quite says true wit like littering for the sake of it. Our explanation for these hilarious escapades — as delivered in faux sincerity to those who would complain — was, "Y'see, it doesn't matter whether we put the trash in a landfill or a garbage can or on the White House lawn. Because it's STILL ON THE SURFACE OF THE WORLD!" Tim and I would then chortle over the beautiful idiocy of that theorem.

It never got old — at least until, a year or so later, it did. I can't remember a particular "aha!" moment when the wanton lunacy of this behavior grew embarrassing, but it happened. It always does. Except when it doesn't. In recent years, I've watched with amazement as people of all ages wantonly discard, well, anything, anywhere, at any time. As such: 1 After Tuesday's record-breaking Independence Day crowd at Ocean Beach, a tsunami of detritus was strewn around the nearby avenues where thoughtful citizens, returning to their vehicles after celebrating the birth of our country, made the seemingly random decision to not be responsible for their own trash. But it wasn't random. It was me! I strolled amongst the exiting hordes with the fiery passion of a chatauqua tent preacher, exhorting them, "Hey, wait! Don't neatly pack your used diapers and fast-food bags in your trunk for proper dispersal later! Just throw it in the residents' freshly cut yards or flower gardens!" And it worked! Neptune Park and the streets around Pequot and Ocean avenues looked like Kim Jong Un had set off a nuclear crap-rocket. 2 I am going to start smoking cigarettes. This is so I can crush the butts in the ashtay of my car and, when it fills to overflowing, I can roll down the window — preferably near a church or cemetery or kindergarten — and dump it out. 3 My wife and I enjoy adult beverages. We sack up our empties and, until recently, place them on the curb for the weekly recycle pickup. Not anymore. Oh, we still sack 'em up. It's just that, then, we will drive to Mystic or Stonington Borough and toss them randomly against the walls of museums or historical homesteads. 4 Nothing says "free dump area" like a golf course or a private beach. 5 This weekend's Sailfest. Do your part. Trash it up! Remember, no matter how old you are: It's still on the surface of the world!