Rick's List
Pop culture gossips and celebrity-junkies devoted mucho speculative space last week to a rumor that musician Taylor Swift, desperate to leave her Tribeca apartment without having to deal with paparazzi, had two members of her private crew of security beefcakes smuggle her out in a large piece of luggage.
There were photos all over the Internet of the purported escape, and they indeed show two muscular Hugh Jackman-lookalikes hefting a massive trunk — the sort magicians wheel onstage so they can saw swimsuit models in-half to the horror/ fascination of Las Vegas tourists — into a luxury SUV.
This theory and the pics originally broke on the Splash News "we cover famous people" site, and it didn't take long for Slate, eager to perform good journalism, to allegedly require one of their own staffers — who has a similar build to Swift — to submit to measurements whilst in a fetal position. That data was then compared to the design specifications of various pieces of giant luggage, and the conclusion was that, yes, it WAS possible that Swift could fit into a very large suitcase!
Next up, CNN, National Review, the Washington Post and Rex Baxter, the celebrity luggage writer, were all digging frantically to learn more. The New York Times was noticeably absent, but only because the journalist who normally covers Taylor Swift was interviewing President Trump. Interestingly, Trump interrupted the in-progress interview to Tweet: "Very sad about #Taylor Swift in a box. She was talented. First Chris Cornell, now this."
Suddenly, though, Splash News retracted the suitcase story and the world collectively breathed a sigh of relief — only to instantly ask each other, "Well, then, how DID Taylor escape?!" All of this caused my brain to spin — a washing machine-style cycle of excitement, fear, wonder and, hell, I'm just gonna say it, admiration at how far we've come as a society. I also had these thoughts: 1 As you read this, I'm just arriving home from a week with my Mom in Denver. It would be pretty hilarious if I accidentally picked up the wrong suitcase from the Providence airport baggage carousel, headed to New London, opened my luggage — and Sean Spicer popped out! 2 "Dude," he'd say, "I'm supposed to meet Taylor Swift in baggage claim C-6!" 3 O.J. just got paroled. What's the connection? All those years ago, why didn't Al Cowlings just mail O.J. someplace — with no extradition policy — inside a piece of luggage, as opposed to pointlessly driving around Los Angeles at 14 miles an hour in a White Bronco? 4 I also think an enterprising matryoshka doll manufacturer should add one more larger doll for each layered set, which could then serve as the actual shipping case!