Rick's List

Do you like your own first name? For obvious reasons — as in someone three minutes old can’t talk or even think about whether “Luigi” or “Topher” might be fun — we don’t have much choice in our names even though WE are the ones who have to spend the rest of our lives answering to them.

Yes, I know: When you become a legal adult, you can change your name, and I’m sure there’s a whole slew of celebrity children about to reach the age of 18 who are already waiting in line outside the courthouse because they don’t want to be “Apple” or “Speck” or “Banjo” or “Svelte.”

I suppose I’ve always thought of “Rick” as a pretty cool-sounding name. I could see someone called “Rick” winning a Heisman Trophy or playing Tarzan in a movie. Growing up, though, I don’t remember many Ricks doing much. Rick Nelson was a big deal — though he was a “Ricky,” and “Ricky” or “Richard” or “Dick,” while all acceptable derivations, aren’t the same as “Rick.”

As I got older and started to play music, a few more Rick rock stars emerged. Rick Wakeman of Yes. Rick Neilsen of Cheap Trick. Rick Springfield, of course. Rick Derringer and The Band’s Rick Danko ...

Ultimately, though, despite having a pleasant, one-syllable kick, I feel “Rick” has underperformed in the Great Name Sweepstakes, and I haven’t done much to help matters. I was feeling melancholy about all of this until, a few weeks ago, I met a woman named Brandy. Who names a child after a liqueur? Who names a child after any booze, for that matter? In fact, other than “Brandy,” I can’t think of anyone named after a type of alcohol. Which makes me wonder: Why of all the liquid inebriants is only “Brandy” trotted out as a first name?

It must be lonely to be named “Brandy” and know your parents chose to honor your life by bringing you into the world associated with something that causes a truly brutal hangover. In honor of “Brandy,” and in the context of the aforementioned ludicrously named celebrity children — and also being painfully aware that the celebrity trend henceforth will be to try to out-weird every other celebrity parent with inane children names — here are some possibilities I’d like to see in the future:

1. Schnapps Gosling

2. Chateau-Lafitte Kardashian

3. Michelob Bieber

4. Nicotine Gaga

5. Absinthe Minaj

6. Wild Turkey Kushner-Trump

7. Blended Scotch and Single Malt DiCaprio (twins)

8. Sweet-Moonshine Cyrus

9. Keystone Light Koster