Rick's List

Progress is a good thing. It’s cross-wired in our DNA that we as Thinking Persons evolve, spin-off new ideas, dream of and implement concepts that, to our parents, would have seemed the exotic kookery of Ray Bradbury or H.G. Wells.

If this was any other Feeble Codger writing this, now is the point when the wise but amused columnist — how’s it going down there in Hell, Andy Rooney? — would list post-millennial developments such as Tweeting, Facebook, selfies, Cub Scouts with full-sleeve tattoos, auto-tune vocals, and biologically-engineered, wildly infectious pathogens with symptomatic, plum-colored skin eruptions and fevers that cause our brains sizzle and pop like corn.

Not me, though. I heartily embrace this modern world! For example, have you heard of Goat Yoga? It’s a real thing and it’s pretty much what it sounds like — an outdoor class where goats wander amongst (human) yoga practitioners as they twist into Shavasana or Vrikshasana poses. My wife has permanently moved to one of these instillations! They had her at “goat”!

What happens is, mid-yoga, free-range goats might snuggle up next to you or clamber atop your back — their little hooves acting as a bonus massage whilst they tenderly traverse your spine — or perhaps they pee-pee near your head.

Hopefully, the yoga goats don’t suffer from Caseous Lymphadenitis, which is a blossoming-abscess malady these creatures are susceptible to and, though not presently transferable to humans, see the above reference to biologically-engineered pathogens. But let me point out that I’d be open to a session of Goat Yoga, during which I could frolic with them, get my therapy/ exercise, and visualize similar animal-themed activities:

1 White-Water Snake-Rafting — participants negotiate the notorious Colorado River “Lava Falls” run in canoes roiling with cobras (different than evangelical snake-handling, which is just weird)

2training Wolf-Lifting — circuit in which exerciser lifts wolves instead of weights

3 Cubnapping — calorie-melt via the highspeed act of darting in and out of a mama bear’s den, stealing her cubs one at a time. Coat yourself in ground salmon for extra intensity.

4 Old Fashioned Spa Treatment — Recline on a sofa with incense, candles, classical music and a soothing facial moisturizer — plus your head is swathed in bloodletting leeches

5 Sigfried and Roy’s Tiger Feast — same workout that partially paralyzed Roy Horn when his fave big cat coleslawed him