Rick's List
Well, the Royal Wedding is over. But while I was in England covering the event — with, I might add, nuanced analysis, concise historical context, a minimum of sycophancy and just the precise smidgen of saucy wit — I took note of another interesting British-y thing going on.
To wit, a survey of over 2,000 young parents throughout the Realm — commissioned by an eBay/Amazon-style online sales company called musicMagpie, and reported by numerous publications, including the Daily Mail — indicates a quarter of these Mums and Dads routinely change the endings of classic fairytales when they read to their kids. It seems the stories, as written by the misanthropic Hans Christian Andersen and those eerie Grimm brothers, are politically incorrect.
I can’t say this surprises me. This exact scenario was forecast in chapters 5-7 of Ray Bradbury’s “Fahrenheit 451” and is similarly a prominent theme in the dystopian “2112” by Rush — not to mention the episode of “My Three Sons” where the Fred MacMurray “dad” gets jacked-up on cough syrup with Uncle Charlie and they throw the family hound, Tramp, into a quicksand pit. Horrible!
Anyway, according to the British survey, “Little Red Riding Hood,” “The Three Little Pigs,” “The Gingerbread Man” and “Blood Meridian” are the four stories parents most often “tenderize” so as not to warp the Young Ones’ sensibilities.
Here are a few problematic situations from other works in the great fairytales canon that received votes in the UK poll (with my suggestions for how to reverse-engineer for contemporary times):
1 “Sleeping Beauty” is inappropriate because she was kissed without her consent. Rick’s plot adjustment: The kiss awakens Sleeping Beauty, who pulls an AK-47 from beneath her petticoat and strafes the Prince into a Brueghel-like hell.
2 “The Pied Piper” gives cause for concern because he tricks children into following him. Rick’s plot adjustment: It’s in fact the KIDS who are tricking the Piper. They figure early on what his melodic ruse is; after he’s “lured” them away, the children pounce on him and feed him to ravenous plague rats.
3 “The Ugly Duckling” sends a message about body-shaming and discrimination. Rick’s plot adjustment: A kindly chef rescues the duckling, beheads it, and prepares a stunning Civet de Canard Aux Pruneaux D’Agen. “See,” the chef coos to the lifeless but tasty fowl, “you’re beautiful now.”
4 “It” implies that clowns, as represented by Pennywise, are inherently evil and frightening. Rick’s adjustment: Pennywise is invited to a Peaceful Meditation Retreat by all of the children and parents of Castle Rock, Maine. It’s going really well and Pennywise is showing a marked increase in sensitivity. That night, though, another clown, John Wayne Gacy, arrives and kills everyone.