Breaking news: No escape from relentless reports on heat wave
“This is Faye Knooz, once again bringing you live team coverage of the season’s first heat wave that has crippled the region with nonstop reporting of weather-related news. Let’s go first to Chief Meteorologist Hy Lowe in our Accu-Swelter Command Center, who has the latest developments …”
“Thank you, Hy. You know, it seems like only eight months ago that we were tracking the season’s first snowflake from our Accu Blizzard Command Center — Hold on, I’ve just been handed a note from our producer … Yes, it WAS eight months ago! Anyway, the most recent computer models suggest we can expect little relief from the seemingly interminable, insufferable string of stories about how people are struggling to cope with such relentlessly oppressive heat and humidity. Meanwhile that low-pressure wave of tropical …”
“Thanks, Hy. Let me cut in before we get to that all-important forecast, and touch base with our correspondents who have been posted outside ice cream shops, in the air-conditioning aisles of appliance stores and at public swimming pools for their incisive insights regarding this ongoing crisis. Justin Thyme has been standing at the entrance of a Fudgee Frost all afternoon and brings us this live report. Justin? …”
“Thanks, Faye. As you can see, the line for cones stretches outside the door and halfway …”
“Hey, @#***! No cutting in! I’ve been waiting more than four @#*** hours and it’s almost my turn! Outta my way!”
“Sorry about that, and I apologize to our viewers about the language. Evidently, tempers are growing short. Now, as I started to say …”
“Hold up, Justin. This is Faye back in the studio, and speaking of short tempers, let’s switch to Correspondent Noah Wareness who has been covering an incident that took place a short while ago at a downtown construction site. Noah?”
“Right, Faye. Anyway, according to Patrolman Loren Orderr, an office worker on his lunch break happened to walk past a crew that was spreading hot tar on the roof of a warehouse under construction, when he called up to the men, ‘Hey, guys! Hot enough for you?’ This prompted the contractors to race down the ladder and begin chasing the office worker with shovels and a propane torch. Fortunately, Officer Orderr was driving by in his squad car and managed to defuse the situation before anyone got hurt.”
“My goodness! Were there any arrests?”
“Well, the construction workers were let off with written warnings, but the office worker is being held on charges of inciting a riot.”
“Thank you, Noah. I think he should count himself lucky that quick-thinking Officer Orderr intervened. Before we get to our coverage at swimming
pools, I have on the phone Dr. A. Ken Payne, an emergency room physician who has been treating patients all day for a variety of hot-weather-related disorders, ranging from heat prostration, heatstroke, heat cramps, heat exhaustion, heat edema, heat syncope, heat tetany, heat fatigue and heat rash. … Doctor, thank you for taking the time away from your busy schedule to explain the different symptoms and treatments for these varied maladies. As I understand it, heat cramps are fairly common among school athletes and others who exercise in hot weather, and can be avoided by moderating their activity while drinking plenty of liquids. Heat exhaustion is somewhat more problematic, but the most serious is heatstroke, which can be life threatening if the patient’s temperature isn’t reduced, and if fluids aren’t replaced intravenously. Isn’t that correct?” “Yes, and …” “In addition, it may be necessary to administer anti-convulsive drugs to those diagnosed with heatstroke, right?”
“Well, in some cases that may…”
“Now, I’m told that the first signs of heatstroke include a soaring temperature, while the skin takes on a dry and flushed appearance, yet with little perspiration. Sometimes people become combative or exhibit unusual behavior. Tell me, doctor, what is the one … Hold on … I’m sorry, doctor, we seem to have run out of time. A full transcript of this interview will be posted on our website. Meanwhile, Capital Bureau Chief Eileen Lefft has been awaiting an important announcement by Gov. O. Danny Boye. Eileen?”
“Yes, Fay. We’re expecting the governor any moment — wait, here he comes now, approaching the lectern. Let’s listen …”
“Good afternoon. I’ll make this very short. It’s hot out. My solution: Buy an electric car. That’s it. Thank you, and stay cool.”
“Powerful advice from Gov. Boye. This is Eileen Lefft, reporting live from the capital. Back to you, Faye …”
“Thank you, Eileen. We leave you with those words from the governor: Stay cool, everybody.”