For those who have tried and failed at golf: caddie

Some of us have tried and failed at golf, the game Will Rogers once said “is good for the soul because you get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.”

So what does one do when he can't play? He caddies. Yes, this is how I spent Sunday afternoon.

Caddying for the great Matt Barnes (local golfer, not Red Sox reliever) in “The Players Cup,” a local homage to the Ryder Cup and only the signature event of the whole summer for 48 privileged putters and pin-seekers at Great Neck Country Club.

A primer on the event: It is a Jim O'Neill Production. O'Neill, a longtime member at Great Neck and legendary former coach and athletic director around here, is the creator, purveyor and narrator of the threeday party that features scramble, best-ball and singles play for four 12-man teams.

O'Neill organizes this many months earlier, amassing booklets on each player, complete with biographies and tournament history. There's an actual draft night, during which all 48 players are selected to teams with movies, slide shows and music that O'Neill painstakingly selects and inputs.

Then he starts needling, which he does better than Sinatra did “My Way.”

He collects entry fees, pays bills, organizes the golf, putting contest, long drive contest, poker tournament and pin placement, the last of which creates a cacophony of four-letter words in O'Neill's honor. (Some of Sunday's pin placements even had the resident caddie taking O'Neill's name in vain.)

Here, then, is a caddie's diary during a Sunday of golf:

• The foursome was an all-star cast. NBA official Josh Tiven, former Lancer Nation president Matt Shea, Kris Mortimer and Barnes. I didn't know Kris all that well before Sunday's round. But he bought all the, you know, lemonades on the course. Now Kris has reached exalted status.

• Barnes mentioned that tournament participant Sam McNeil hurt his wrist earlier in the weekend … and managed not only to finish Saturday's round, but finish second in the long drive competition.

“He gets this year's Arthur Ashe Award For Courage,” Barnes said.

• My job was to clean clubs and golf balls, bring the requested clubs to the requested areas, cheerlead, psychoanalyze, tend to the pin, have a towel ready, replace divots and make sure Matt had Miller Lites at all times.

• Mad props to whomever came up with the idea to put USB ports in the carts at Great Neck. Barnes brought an iPad and hot spot, thus allowing us to watch the PGA Championship all day.

• Funny thing about golf carts, though: Men seem to be at a disadvantage riding in them. The male anatomy, combined with going over bumps too fast, causes grave discomfort.

• I wore the only thing any self-respecting caddie should wear: a Yankees polo. I kept count after a while. More than a dozen participants reminded me the Yanks are in second place. Y'all better hope the Sox win it all. Because I vow to set new levels of jerk-i-tude if they don't.

• Golf tip from Tiven, who learned the hard way: “Never use a club you never chip with.”

• OK. So I'm no golf expert. Example: I found one of Matt's drives in what I termed the “high grass.”

“Some would call that the rough,” he said, thus cracking up the both of us.

And I even looked up what “fescue” meant before the tournament, too.

• Watching golf wants to make me speak with an English accent.

• During the match, we learned that O'Neill made a hole-in-one on seven.

It is customary for hole-in-one-makers to buy a round, which, among 47 others, could be pricey. Among some lines heard:

“I don't drink vodka, but I am now,” and “triple Scotch on the rocks.”

• Shea, Tiven, Mortimer and Barnes played very well. So well that I did the best I could golf-clapping after good putts. Next year, I'm finding a golf clap app or golf clap ringtone.

• Hard not to chuckle on 18. The golfers were laser beam focused on the green. Except there was a band playing on the patio at nearby Langley's. The players putted to “Peaceful Easy Feeling” by the Eagles and “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do,” by Neil Sedaka.

Not to be nitpicky, but if there must be a band on 18, they should play more golf-appropriate stuff like “I Missed Again,” by Phil Collins.

• Mortimer won the group match with a tee shot on the last hole that would have been a $10 Uber ride. He'd have won the hole before, except Barnes chipped in from 33 yards for birdie, tying the match.

“You can leave the putter in the bag,” Matt said.

And with that, we retired to the 19th hole, where many more of my skills are on display.

Thanks to Matt and the gang for a fun day.