Dear Amy: Dear Amy: My mother-in-law has re­cently started a Face­book ac­count. There are three of us sis­ters-in-law and we all find this a great way for her to keep up

The Denver Post - - LIFE & CULTURE - Dear Mom: by Amy Dickinson Send ques­tions via e-mail to askamy@tri­ or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tri­bune, TT500, 435 N. Michi­gan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

with the grand­kids. How­ever, she shares ev­ery sin­gle photo we post.

The aunt is wid­owed and has been speak­ing to men over Face­book and one of th­ese men shared a photo of my daugh­ter to his Face­book friends! This was truly alarm­ing.

I im­me­di­ately asked this per­son (whom I’ve never met) to take the photo down. Af­ter a day I was still so shaken that I deleted my ac­count. My mother-in-law was heart­bro­ken.

Face­book photo-shar­ing is tricky with rel­a­tives. There is no spe­cific set­ting to not al­low peo­ple to share photos (you can only re­strict an au­di­ence). I don’t want to re­strict fam­ily mem­bers from photos. I just don’t want them shared. Un­til Face­book de­vel­ops this fea­ture, how do I re­spect­fully ex­plain to my mother-in­law I don’t want her shar­ing so many pic­tures, be­cause oth­ers in her cir­cle seem to think that by her shar­ing, they are wel­come to do that as well? — Me­dia Mom

Un­til Face­book gives peo­ple a way to lock down their own photos, you can try to at least con­trol who sees them by cus­tomiz­ing your set­tings, re­strict­ing who sees your photos to only “friends” or a fam­ily group. This means that even if your mother-in-law (or aunt) shares a photo, it won’t ac­tu­ally be seen by any­one out­side your des­ig­nated cir­cle. You should also use the FB tools for tag­ging, so you will be no­ti­fied when­ever your child is tagged.

How­ever, it is im­por­tant to re­mem­ber that any­one can take a screen­shot of a photo and share it freely.

Ex­plain to your mother-in-law why so­cial me­dia shar­ing is not like run­ning into a friend and show­ing them a cute pic­ture of the grand­kids. Un­der­stand that this is a typ­i­cal rookie mis­take. It is ba­sic FB eti­quette to al­ways ask per­mis­sion to share some­one else’s ma­te­rial.

If you de­cide to hop back on Face­book, when­ever you post a photo you don’t want shared, def­i­nitely post a re­quest along with the photo: “Please don’t share this or any other photo with­out per­mis­sion.”

This episode is a re­minder that the only real con­trol re­sides with you.

Dear Amy: I have re­ceived a gift with a note, which reads, “I’m pass­ing items on to fam­ily and friends this Christmas, and thought you might en­joy this lovely book, orig­i­nally given to me by a dear pal many years ago.”

Is this some­thing new that I have missed out on? Will it be all right for me to “re-gift” some­one with the ugly gravy boat I re­ceived as a wed­ding present 40 years ago? The orig­i­nal donor passed away long ago. —

Dear Just Won­der­ing: The per­son who re-gifted this book to you went to the trou­ble of choos­ing, wrap­ping and (per­haps) ship­ping it to you, along with a note. The giver was also trans­par­ent about the ori­gin of the gift.

Some (mainly older) peo­ple start win­now­ing their pos­ses­sions by pass­ing things along to oth­ers. Some­times this is be­cause they have run out of ideas or re­sources, and yet still want to cel­e­brate the hol­i­day. You can see this as “re-gift­ing” — or as sim­ply “giv­ing.” The spirit you bring to the trans­ac­tion will dic­tate how it goes for you.

I think it’s a great idea to pass along your gravy boat. The only thing you need to do is to find a re­cip­i­ent who might like it — and who is also kin­der and more tol­er­ant than you are.

Dear Amy: “Jaded” won­dered why his ex­ec­u­tive re­cruiter was so of­fended when he tried to ne­go­ti­ate his salary for a new po­si­tion.

I’ve worked in ex­ec­u­tive search, staffing and HR for many years. I would rec­om­mend he reach out to the man­ager af­ter the dis­cus­sion with the re­cruiter. Some­times re­cruiters and man­agers aren’t al­ways in sync with re­gard to re­al­is­tic salary ex­pec­ta­tions. Con­tact­ing the man­ager di­rectly wouldn’t be a bad thing. — Ex­pe­ri­enced

Dear Ex­pe­ri­enced: I agreed that he should not be re­buffed for ne­go­ti­at­ing. Thank you for of­fer­ing an ad­di­tional sug­ges­tion.

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