New Year’s resolutions for Colorado’s finest
Half the fun of making New Year’s resolutions is the inevitable feeling of relief when we abandon them in midMarch or, let’s be honest, late January.
This year, instead of setting myself up for failure, I thought it’d be more fun to help out some of Colorado’s finest with their goals for 2017.
These are a few things that could help us all have a better year than the soul-crushing political season that was 2016 — a year that, like John Oliver from “Last Week Tonight,” I would burn in effigy if I had the budget and pyrotechnics. should endeavor to avoid footin-mouth syndrome during this year’s State of the State address. It’s only a few weeks away, so he’d better get his speechwriters whipped into shape and start practicing those rough transitions. In his 2016 address he told the crowd that in 1885 lawmakers commissioned a statute of the state’s most beautiful woman for the top of the Capitol building, but Republicans were unable to agree on the subject. “Standing in this chamber steeped in history, I wonder … who really is the most beautiful woman in Colorado? There’s no longer any debate — it’s my fiancée Robin Pringle.” The crowed gave him an “aw.” Then Hickenlooper stepped in it. “But all joking aside …” Pringle, clearly a very forgiving woman, married Hickenlooper a few weeks later.
should wake up every morning chanting, “I am not a lobbyist. I am not a lobbyist.” Cadman’s last session was 2016, when he reached his term limit after 16 years in the General Assembly. He has taken a job as a director with Whiting Petroleum Corporation. We wish the new oilman luck as he endeavors not to violate Colorado’s Amendment 41, which bans lawmakers from lobbying for two years.
should strive to attend every board meeting of the Public Employees’ Retirement Association until, oh, let’s say at least November of 2018, when rumors are he might find himself as a contender for governor. Stapleton has a habit of sending a surrogate to the board in his stead. Who can blame him for skipping the riveting actuarial debates over lifespan and return on investment? But he’s the most vocal critic of PERA, most recently accusing CEO Greg Smith of getting a 20 percent raise “for simply showing up.” Stapleton might find a few stones cast back at him about showing up if he doesn’t make more effort.
Rep. Ed Perlmutter of Golden and former Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar, two Democrats on the short list for the 2018 governor’s race, could swear off Hillary Clinton for the year, but it’s not likely to be an issue given that Clinton’s resolution was to never show her face in public again.
needs to kick his obsession with the aerotropolis. It’s all well and good to have a pet project, but we’re concerned it’s becoming a bit unhealthy. Earlier this month the city announced a new $11.5 million LED sign to welcome visitors at Denver International Airport (Panasonic is paying $4.5 million of that). This follows on the heels of building a cruise ship (that big glass hotel) for the airport and a new train station. Don’t they have some kind of a 12step program for this kind of a relationship? Blucifer, the 32-foot-high blue stallion with demon eyes that used to be the official airport greeter, has already resolved to exact revenge on Hancock in a strongly worded e-mail.
Now the resolutions are set and ready to be broken. Let’s all pray 2017 is a better year for Republicans, Democrats and blue horses alike.
And here’s a piece of free advice. If you found in 2016 that your social media use was frequently stirring up international conflict, inducing panic among millions and bolstering the factchecker industry: Closing your Twitter account and deleting your apps is the first step to kicking the habit successfully in 2017.