New Year’s res­o­lu­tions for Colorado’s finest

The Denver Post - - OPINION - By Megan Schrader Gov. John Hick­en­looper Former Se­nate Pres­i­dent Bill Cad­man State Trea­surer Walker Stapleton Den­ver Mayor Michael Han­cock Megan Schrader (mschrader@ den­ver­post.com) is a Den­ver Post editorial writer and colum­nist. Fol­low her on Twit­ter: @

Half the fun of mak­ing New Year’s res­o­lu­tions is the in­evitable feel­ing of re­lief when we aban­don them in midMarch or, let’s be hon­est, late Jan­uary.

This year, in­stead of set­ting my­self up for fail­ure, I thought it’d be more fun to help out some of Colorado’s finest with their goals for 2017.

These are a few things that could help us all have a bet­ter year than the soul-crush­ing po­lit­i­cal sea­son that was 2016 — a year that, like John Oliver from “Last Week Tonight,” I would burn in ef­figy if I had the bud­get and py­rotech­nics. should en­deavor to avoid footin-mouth syn­drome dur­ing this year’s State of the State ad­dress. It’s only a few weeks away, so he’d bet­ter get his speech­writ­ers whipped into shape and start prac­tic­ing those rough tran­si­tions. In his 2016 ad­dress he told the crowd that in 1885 law­mak­ers com­mis­sioned a statute of the state’s most beau­ti­ful wo­man for the top of the Capi­tol build­ing, but Repub­li­cans were un­able to agree on the sub­ject. “Stand­ing in this cham­ber steeped in his­tory, I won­der … who re­ally is the most beau­ti­ful wo­man in Colorado? There’s no longer any de­bate — it’s my fi­ancée Robin Pringle.” The crowed gave him an “aw.” Then Hick­en­looper stepped in it. “But all jok­ing aside …” Pringle, clearly a very for­giv­ing wo­man, mar­ried Hick­en­looper a few weeks later.

should wake up ev­ery morn­ing chant­ing, “I am not a lob­by­ist. I am not a lob­by­ist.” Cad­man’s last ses­sion was 2016, when he reached his term limit af­ter 16 years in the Gen­eral Assem­bly. He has taken a job as a di­rec­tor with Whit­ing Pe­tro­leum Cor­po­ra­tion. We wish the new oil­man luck as he en­deav­ors not to vi­o­late Colorado’s Amend­ment 41, which bans law­mak­ers from lob­by­ing for two years.

should strive to at­tend ev­ery board meet­ing of the Pub­lic Em­ploy­ees’ Re­tire­ment As­so­ci­a­tion un­til, oh, let’s say at least Novem­ber of 2018, when ru­mors are he might find him­self as a con­tender for gover­nor. Stapleton has a habit of send­ing a sur­ro­gate to the board in his stead. Who can blame him for skip­ping the riv­et­ing ac­tu­ar­ial de­bates over lifes­pan and re­turn on in­vest­ment? But he’s the most vo­cal critic of PERA, most recently ac­cus­ing CEO Greg Smith of get­ting a 20 per­cent raise “for sim­ply show­ing up.” Stapleton might find a few stones cast back at him about show­ing up if he doesn’t make more ef­fort.

Rep. Ed Perl­mut­ter of Golden and former Sec­re­tary of the In­te­rior Ken Salazar, two Democrats on the short list for the 2018 gover­nor’s race, could swear off Hil­lary Clin­ton for the year, but it’s not likely to be an is­sue given that Clin­ton’s res­o­lu­tion was to never show her face in pub­lic again.

needs to kick his ob­ses­sion with the aerotropo­lis. It’s all well and good to have a pet project, but we’re con­cerned it’s be­com­ing a bit un­healthy. Ear­lier this month the city an­nounced a new $11.5 mil­lion LED sign to wel­come visi­tors at Den­ver In­ter­na­tional Air­port (Pana­sonic is pay­ing $4.5 mil­lion of that). This fol­lows on the heels of build­ing a cruise ship (that big glass ho­tel) for the air­port and a new train sta­tion. Don’t they have some kind of a 12step pro­gram for this kind of a re­la­tion­ship? Blu­cifer, the 32-foot-high blue stal­lion with de­mon eyes that used to be the of­fi­cial air­port greeter, has al­ready re­solved to ex­act re­venge on Han­cock in a strongly worded e-mail.

Now the res­o­lu­tions are set and ready to be bro­ken. Let’s all pray 2017 is a bet­ter year for Repub­li­cans, Democrats and blue horses alike.

And here’s a piece of free ad­vice. If you found in 2016 that your so­cial me­dia use was fre­quently stir­ring up in­ter­na­tional con­flict, in­duc­ing panic among mil­lions and bol­ster­ing the factchecker in­dus­try: Clos­ing your Twit­ter ac­count and delet­ing your apps is the first step to kick­ing the habit suc­cess­fully in 2017.

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