Ask Amy

Dear Amy: My cousin re­cently in­vited us (a fam­ily of four) to her son’s wed­ding. We were dis­ap­pointed that we were seated

The Denver Post - - LIFE & CULTURE - By Amy Dickinson

all the way to the back, near the door, by the exit of the re­cep­tion hall.

We also noted that quite a few ta­bles in the mid­dle had only two or three peo­ple at them (last-minute no-shows).

I was go­ing to let it go, think­ing it was prob­a­bly the bride’s fam­ily that ar­ranged the seat­ing. How­ever, my cousin’s daugh­ter is get­ting mar­ried next year and my hus­band asked me if I could re­quest that we be seated some­where in the mid­dle.

At the son’s wed­ding, should we have asked to be moved to the empty seats? For the daugh­ter’s wed­ding, should I ask her early on to seat us in the mid­dle?

Hon­estly, I am tempted to text my cousin about it, but I don’t know if I should even men­tion this at all. —S tuck at t heb ack

Dear Stuck: Do you re­al­ize the in­vest­ment the wed­ding hosts made in in­clud­ing your fam­ily of four in this wed­ding? De­pend­ing on the type of re­cep­tion, your pres­ence would have cost the host­ing fam­ily up­wards of $1,000.

Of course, this isn’t about the money. But then, be­ing a guest at a wed­ding and re­cep­tion should not be about where you find your­self seated dur­ing the meal.

It is ex­tremely un­gra­cious to com­plain — or even men­tion — your seat­ing after the fact. Other than ask­ing if it would be pos­si­ble to be seated at the same ta­ble with other friends or fam­ily mem­bers, it is also rude to ask for spe­cific seat­ing be­fore the fact.

If you no­ticed seat­ing gaps in more de­sir­able ta­bles dur­ing the re­cep­tion, you might have asked the host, “Would you like us to fill in that mid­dle ta­ble?” But even then, grab­bing your plates and abruptly de­camp­ing for a “bet­ter ta­ble” is rude to your fel­low table­mates.

Dear Amy: I love my girl­friend. She’s the only girl­friend I’ve ever had. In the past, I had at­tempted to es­tab­lish ro­man­tic re­la­tion­ships with other women, but with my cur­rent girl­friend, she pur­sued me. We met in a col­lege class, and without me mak­ing any at­tempt at con­tact, she found out my email ad­dress and asked me to be her part­ner for a project. She even­tu­ally con­fessed her feel­ings for me. That had never hap­pened to me be­fore, and, of course, I agreed to go out with her.

We have been to­gether now for four years. We are al­most com­plete op­po­sites in terms of our tem­per­a­ments, but we get along very well and love each other.

Early in our re­la­tion­ship, my girl­friend ex­pressed a lot of in­se­cu­rity and jeal­ousy con­cern­ing any fe­male friend. This led to me di­min­ish­ing and then end­ing some friend­ships. She would get un­happy if I even quoted a fe­male co-worker.

We talked about this a year ago and she ad­mit­ted that she re­al­izes she is do­ing this; she also says she un­der­stands why her fam­ily dy­namic grow­ing up has con­trib­uted to this and she un­der­stands that her jeal­ousy harms our re­la­tion­ship. I don’t har­bor any such jeal­ousy to­ward her or male friends.

I ap­pre­ci­ated her in­sight, but noth­ing has changed. I now only com­mu­ni­cate with fe­male friends on­line.

Is this a deal breaker? — Se­cure

Dear Se­cure: Yes, your girl­friend’s jeal­ousy and the way you are re­act­ing to it have al­ready in­tro­duced an un­healthy level of con­trol and se­crecy. Yes, this is a deal breaker.

Ideally, part­ners rec­og­nize that peo­ple in­ter­act with (and form friend­ships with) all sorts of peo­ple. In a func­tion­ing re­la­tion­ship, both par­ties can be open, trans­par­ent and gen­er­ous about all of their friend­ships.

Dear Amy: Re­fer­ring to “Hope­less,” whose hus­band has brain can­cer, after car­ing for my hus­band who lost his eye­sight sud­denly, I sug­gest rather than med­i­ca­tion, she should find things that make you (both) laugh!

I found that mak­ing jokes and watch­ing come­dies lit­er­ally drained the ten­sion out of my body … and his.

Laugh­ing made so much dif­fer­ence when in re­al­ity there was lit­tle rea­son to laugh. — Ten Yea rsc are giv­ing

Dear Ten Years: Oh, yes. Laugh­ter is in­tensely ther­a­peu­tic. Thank you.

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