But­ter be pre­pared for corn on the cob

The Denver Post - - FEATURES - By Lori Borgman Email Lori Bor­man at lori@lori­borgman.com

There are two types of peo­ple in this coun­try — those who eat corn on the cob with those lit­tle corn hold­ers with metal prongs and those who don’t.

We are among the group with­out corn hold­ers. Years ago we had some, but the prongs got bent, half of them went miss­ing and the half that didn’t go miss­ing wound up man­gled in the garbage dis­posal.

The pur­pose of corn hold­ers is to keep you from get­ting but­ter on your fin­gers. But isn’t that the point of eat­ing corn? It’s not strictly about the corn; it’s about the but­ter. Lots and lots of melted but­ter, and salt and pep­per and the won­der­ful com­bi­na­tion thereof.

Let’s be hon­est — eat­ing corn on the cob is one of the most un­sightly spec­ta­cles that oc­curs at the fam­ily din­ner ta­ble. (Not like that’s go­ing to stop us.) Us­ing corn hold­ers isn’t go­ing to some­how make eat­ing corn on the cob an aes­thet­i­cally pleas­ing ex­pe­ri­ence.

Eat­ing corn on the cob re­quires lung­ing, grap­pling and at­tack­ing with bared teeth. You bite down and the corn squirts. It may squirt into your eye, across the ta­ble, or across the ta­ble and into some­one else’s eye.

Not even sil­ver-plated corn hold­ers could make eat­ing corn on the cob a class act.

Most of our grand­kids are too young to have mas­tered the art of eat­ing corn. They nib­ble — a nib­ble here, a nib­ble there. The end re­sult is a halfeaten ear of corn that looks like a mass of div­ots on a golf course.

I tell them to eat across the cob, from left to right, the same way they read. I tell them that eat­ing corn in a row will make them bet­ter and faster read­ers, one day give them bet­ter test scores and get them into the best col­leges.

I also tell them not to worry about be­ing un­tidy, that if you eat corn the right way, it’s bound to be a mess. If you eat corn on the cob the right way, you should have but­ter smeared on your chin. How’s a corn holder with two sharp prongs go­ing to help that?

You might also have ker­nels stuck be­tween your teeth. I sup­pose you could use a corn holder to pick them out, but let’s not give the French any more ammo.

If you’re one of those peo­ple self-con­scious about eat­ing corn on the cob, I give you per­mis­sion to lib­er­ate your­self from the nor­mal re­straints of po­lite din­ing.

No need to thank me. You’re thank­ing me any­way?

Aw, shucks.

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