Follow these simple rules on Thanksgiving, and nobody will get hurt.
With partisanship off the charts in America in 2017, there aren’t that many safe topics for families’ Turkey Day gatherings
Here at Thanksgiving Central, we’re making grocery lists, ironing table linens and eating light for a while so we have a clear conscience when we lay into that ridiculous slab of pecan pie on Thursday.
That’s the easy part. The challenge this year will be keeping the peace.
For a country with a tradition of celebrating racial, religious, ethnic and political diversity, the hostility among partisans in 2017 is off the charts. The Pew Research Center has found that we are more polarized than ever on such issues as economic fairness, racial equity and the proper role for the U.S. in global affairs.
And many Americans have abandoned any pretense of civility, resorting instead to puerile name-calling and hate speech. On both ends of the political spectrum, Trumpish crudeness has infected our culture to a stunning degree.
That means there are fewer safe subjects once you finish the usual “meet my new girlfriend” and “have some green beans” blather that passes for dinner-table conversation in extended families.
Forget talking about the weather. Your mother-in-law, the oil-patch worker from Oklahoma, will tell you that the science is unsettled on climate change and, by the way, you’re obviously a Communist since you drove to dinner in a Prius.
If you ask how the kids are doing in school, you could spark a conversation about Betsy Devos, vouchers and teachers’ salaries, and before you know it, your sister-in-law, a union rep at the high school, will be storming out and taking her creamed onions with her.
Even in families that are uniformly Republicans or Democrats, navigating conversational minefields can be as death-defying as trying to cycle across town on the so-called bike routes.
Take my advice and avoid the following topics: Jeff Sessions, Jeff Flake, Nancy Pelosi, Cynthia Coffman, Jared Polis, Steve Lebsock, the national anthem, bump stocks, the stock market, livestock, missile stockpiles, North Korea, Virginia, gluten, tofu, Amazon, “Saturday Night Live” and Brock Osweiler.
Stick to a safe topic like homosexuality. Pew found that 70 percent of Americans — 83 percent of Democrats and 54 percent of Republicans — say that homosexuality should be accepted.
So if you’re planning to come out on Thanksgiving, the traditional occasion for such an announcement, relax. Your revelations are likely to be far more acceptable among the drunken uncles and forgetful grandparents than they might have been five years ago, particularly if the clan leans Democratic.
That’s way more harmony than your mom might encounter if she brings up the creepy Harvey Weinstein/roy Moore sagas and suggests that it’s more evidence that women face systemic discrimination six decades after the birth of the modern women’s movement.
A majority of men say that for women, the obstacles to getting ahead are largely gone. Of course, if Uncle Fred expresses that opinion, there’s a high likelihood that he’ll be mopping pinot noir off his face after Mom empties her glass on his head. (Go Mom!)
So, short of staring dumbly at your smartphone, what’s a Thanksgiving dinner guest to do in the Trumpian era of scorched-earth politics?
I suggest using the time-honored techniques for dealing with 2-year-olds, teenagers and grizzly bears: Take a deep breath. Remain calm. Stand your ground, but respect your adversary. Don’t scream.
No matter what, don’t run away since you can never escape them. They show up year after year to fatten up for the winter, then curl up in the den and fall asleep.
And if the worst happens and you have to spend the entire evening listening to a lecture from your unemployed 24-yearold nephew on how the GOP tax plan is going to boost the economy by denying teachers a $250 deduction for buying supplies for poor kids while eliminating taxes on inheritances worth more than $5.5 million, don’t lose your cool.
There’s a chance he’ll outgrow such ignorance and naivete. If he doesn’t, next year you can always seat him next to Aunt Rita, the flatulent Bernie supporter.
And besides, no matter how lame, disagreeable and antagonistic the conversation becomes, remember there’s pie.
You’ve earned it.