FIRST-DATE FOLLIES: WHERE NOT TO GO
Goat yoga and a comedy show may not be the best choices
I n an era where dating has gone digital and meeting potential mates is as easy as swiping right, bad first dates remain as prevalent as man buns and Starbucks. While we anxiously await the invention of the app that will end awkward first dates once and for all, we’ve rounded up the worst possible first date locations that should be avoided at all costs. Because first dates are panic-inducing enough as-is without the threat of a Kiss Cam or injury to make them even worse.
Goat yoga. Do you really want to tell your future children that you met downward facing dogging with barnyard animals? Anywhere there’s a Kiss Cam. I know what you’re thinking. This can’t actually happen to you, right? What are the odds? That’s what my friend thought when she was on a horribly awkward first date at an Avalanche game. She was counting down the minutes until the game — and thus the date — was over, when BAM! The Kiss Cam. The sadistic camera operator pointed at her and her date’s direction and Would. Not. Move. The look on her face on the JumboTron was pure horror.
Karaoke. Unless you’re dating Mariah Carey, (and if you are dating Mariah Carey — good luck with that one!) near-guaranteed public humiliation may not be the best way to win someone’s affection. Remember, roughly half the population is intro-
verted and not keen on belting out “Vision of Love” into a microphone in front of strangers.
A religious event. An open-minded, non-Catholic friend of mine accompanied a girl he’d just met on Bumble to catechesis. While they did end up going out a second time, it’s probably best to resist the urge to convert your date upon first meeting. Anywhere your friends might be. I don’t know who this is worse for — you or your date — but that probably depends on your friends. I, for one, am guilty of having negatively judged a friend’s Tinder date who tagged along for trivia night. (He was an aerospace engineer who blew a SpaceX question! Come on!) Hanging out with, or even meeting, your friends before he/she has gotten to know you puts too much pressure on everyone involved.
Ice skating rink/axethrowing bar/indoor trampoline park/anywhere there’s at least a 10 percent chance you will end up in the ER. Blood coming out of your face just isn’t sexy.
CrossFit. Or anywhere else you get really sweaty and uncomfortable. (A taxing hike, the sauna, a bad open mike night …) No one needs to know how many box jumps you can do that early on in a relationship. Leave a little mystery!
Certain restaurants. I say “certain” restaurants because it’s all about knowing yourself and your audience. For example, messy foods that you eat with your hands like ribs or wings, or slurping up pho, might be a definite no for many, but to some they’re excellent indicators of whether their date is willing to dig in and choose hedonistic enjoyment of their food over pretense. Messy foods are pretty much the litmus test for high-maintenance. Consider for a first-date at your own risk.
Another “certain” restaurant would be fast food chains. Nothing says “I’m not invested in you whatsoever” quite like ordering off the dollar menu at McDonald’s. Then again, if you met on Tinder, you probably really aren’t invested in her/him, so carry on.
And then there’s Casa Bonita. If ever there was a “certain” restaurant, it’s this one. On the one hand, it’s definitely unique and full of conversation fodder. On the other, it’s Casa Bonita.
Ikea. This is where married people go to get divorced. I don’t know why this is actually a first date option for some people (the meatballs aren’t that good), but maybe try somewhere with a little less particleboard.
Your house. You can show her your R2-D2 collection if there’s a second date. For the first, pick somewhere neutral.
Somewhere you’re faking it. If you don’t like beer, don’t take him to a brewery. If you’re allergic to cats, don’t sneeze your way through an afternoon at the cat café. If you’re not into gluten-, sugarand dairy-free food, don’t act like you’re a regular at Just BE Kitchen. Don’t pretend to like something just because you think it might impress your date, lest you end up spending a whole lot more time drinking beer, petting felines and eating paleo. Your very favorite coffee shop/bar/restaurant. Match.com dates come and go, but a favorite haunt is forever. You don’t want to turn your date on to the best-ever happy hour spot, café or Thai restaurant only to have him/her take it over after you fail to, well, turn them on. Save your special spots for later dates, or risk awkward future meetings on your morning coffee run.
Comedy shows. What if the comedian totally bombs? What if they pick on you? What if your date has no sense of humor? What if their sense of humor is better than yours? What if you have low blood sugar and there’s no food and now you have a headache and can’t concentrate on anything besides finding a double cheeseburger? There are just too many unanswered questions here.