“When Are You Getting Married?”
There are a few things I know will probably happen during holiday family gatherings. My 7-year-old son will show an embarrassingly small amount of gratitude for any gift that isn’t a toy; my 3-year-old son will hurt himself jumping off furniture; and someone from my extended family will ask me when the boys’ father and my partner of eight years plans on proposing. This will force me to say the same thing I say every year: not anytime soon.
We’re hardly alone in such thinking. Studies have shown that many young couples prefer to cohabitate rather than marry; and about a quarter of parents living with a child are unwed. Societal views on marriage have also shifted, with the vast majority of Americans now believing it’s acceptable for a couple to live together sans wedding plans.
Of course, not everyone has accepted nontraditional relationship paths, especially in more-conservative circles.
“When a couple chooses not to marry and the family decides that they have a role in that decision, that can create a lot of family gossip and what looks like an alliance — one side versus another,” said Katherine Hertlein, a relationship therapist and professor in the couple- and family-therapy program at University of Nevada, Las Vegas, School of Medicine. This can sow division between a couple, she said.
If you’re planning on attending a holiday event this season, and are expecting to have friends, family members or even nosy co-workers pester you about setting a wedding date, here’s how you can respond in a healthy, respectful way.
Decide how much information you’re going to share and who is going to share it.
Hertlein believes that people asking about a possible wedding may be looking more to validate their own personal values. Couples, she said, need to communicate their shared principles and decide in advance what they wish to divulge with others.
It’s best that the person related to the inquiring family member be the one to take the lead, while the other person plays a supportive role. This will help to minimize any reasons, real or perceived, for a family member to blame a partner.
“These conversations can involve a great deal of tension,” Hertlein said.
Don’t go at it alone.
Some family members may attempt to divide and conquer, cornering one individual when they are alone. Hertlein suggests you hold off on any discussion until your partner returns.
“You can say, ‘We’ve had some really good talks about marriage. If this is a conversation you want to have with us, let me just go get my partner,’ ” she said. “Make sure that you reflect that boundary you have as a couple.”
Avoid focusing on a timeline.
If you are considering marriage sometime down the road, discussing any future dates with prodding family members should mostly be avoided. ”The ‘right time’ is more of an abstract concept, and it’s more difficult for families to understand,” Hertlein said. “The family will focus on ways they can help you accelerate the timeline, making it more difficult for the couple to resist their meddling.”
So, instead of assuaging marriage-minded family members with a possible timeline, simply share that marriage is an ongoing discussion in your relationship. Irina Firstein, a therapist practicing in the New York City borough of Manhattan, said couples can tell people that they’re figuring it out on their own, and would appreciate it if no one asked them questions because it just “puts the pressure on us” and doesn’t help them reach an understanding any faster.
Don’t be afraid to set physical boundaries.
Though not ideal, if a family member isn’t respecting a verbal boundary, you may need to set a physical one and avoid some family functions entirely. Firstein says the decision to stay away from certain family members doesn’t have to be permanent, although that might be necessary to salvage a relationship.
Embrace the uncomfortable, together.
Usually, family members with marriage on the brain will let the question go — either because you set a date or perhaps they were able to see how you value your relationship in other ways outside of marriage. In the meantime, know that these conversations can actually bring you and your partner closer together.
“If the two of you feel like you’re supporting each other, you’re articulating the same message, you’re staying strong as a couple, and you’re setting boundaries, you’re going to be better off and that’s going to be a bonding experience,” Hertlein said. “Emotionally intense periods can enhance relationships.”