LA TIMES CROSSWORD
ACROSS
1 Activist Brockovich played by Julia Roberts
5 Without a cent 10 Youngsters 14 High-fat, low-carb
diet, casually 15 Merits
16 Falco of “Nurse
Jackie” 17 Backyard vegetable patch, e.g.
19 “__ Enchanted”: Anne Hathaway film
20 Surveil secretly 21 Socialized at
leisure
23 Stretch the truth 25 Prefix with pod 26 Configuration before customization 34 Tiny criticism 35 24-Down soother 36 Hearing-related 37 Tennis great Arthur posthumously awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom 39 Titled
41 Mani-__
42 Hops along
happily 44 Shadowboxes 46 Pen tip 47 Element of early
internet art 50 Lifesaving skill,
for short 51 Gaming console with a gesturebased controller 52 Leafy bowlful with
hard-boiled eggs 58 Bub
62 Civil rights icon
Parks 63 Brainstorming breakthroughs, and the ends of 17-, 26-, and 47-Across? 65 Opposed to 66 Bring to mind 67 Pull sharply 68 Breakfast for
dinner, say 69 Used needle and
thread 70 Concludes 1 Cardiac
readouts, briefly 2 Gather crops 3 Coy response to
a compliment 4 Drift into
dreamland 5 Actor/director
Stiller
6 Many Megan Thee
Stallion songs 7 “Derry Girls” girl played by Louisa Harland
8 Celtic artwork
feature
9 North Carolina’s
Biltmore __
10 “Don’t stop now!” 11 Unoccupied 12 Pickle herb 13 Official emblem 18 Giant computer
of the 1940s 22 Miss, in Mex. 24 Unwanted beach
souvenir 26 Once-common
storage media 27 Moral principle
28 Dog walker’s line 29 __ Bay
Buccaneers 30 Lipstick mishap 31 “Fame” star Cara 32 Lowest point 33 Silver-tongued
34 Astronauts’ gp.
38 Dumpster firelevel blunder 40 __ a blank 43 Tentative tastes 45 Space series
genre
48 Building site sights 49 Camp project with
rubber bands 52 Make up for procrastination, perhaps 53 Sharpen, as a
blade
54 “¿Cómo __ usted?” 55 Adoration 56 Declare publicly 57 Hockey feint 59 Incline
60 Terra firma 61 Requests
64 Went first
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I’ve learned a lot reading your column. If I had read it 15-plus years ago, I would not have married my wife. Ooops.
Anyway, we now have two kids, 7 and 5. They are awesome, and we both love them beyond measure. The marriage is not working for me, but it is more tolerable than the idea of blowing up my kids’ lives, not seeing them (as) much, etc. So my current plan is to continue making the marriage work – i.e., dealing with my needs not being met – until “the kids are old enough.”
How do I know when that is? I’m sure that 7 and 5 is not. Is the only answer that I’ll know when I know?
Regarding fairness to my wife: She knows exactly what I’m unhappy about. We’ve discussed the same topics repeatedly for 20 years; nothing is going to change. Should I feel bad about planning a divorce in the future but not telling her about it? Is that being dishonest in an unacceptable way? I think telling her I plan to leave “when the kids are old enough” would result in a much less pleasant life for everyone in the meantime.
Married
Married: Whoo. Divorces when the kids are “old enough” – young adults, right? – are traumatic in their own ways. The launching years can feel like a highwire walk, and you’re planning to pull their net. Or, mid-high school? Middle school? Ouch.
Also: Some people no doubt can make awesome partners and co-parents as their intimate connection unravels, but I suspect the number who can is sharply lower than the number who think they can.
If this all sounds like a “Welp, you’re foxed either way,” then that’s … probably true to a degree. But our power in life lies within these small degrees of change, so that’s what we do here.
And it’s an old answer, but solo therapy with a family-systems focus can turn up solutions to your misery problem that minimize collateral damage. You’re in no hurry, so take your time to find the right fit.
Please, though, don’t just wing it and burn the next decade-plus as a living, lying grimace emoji. Better to talk it out even if you conclude it’s better to stay.
Readers’ thoughts:
If divorce is imminent, start planning for it now. Save money to finance two households. Scope out real estate within the kids’ school districts and friend zones. Get the kids used to one-onone outings with each parent separately. If you’re not equal co-parents now, make it so. Make sure you both know how to cook your kids’ favorite meals, and both know their teachers and their friends’ parents. And, above all, treat your spouse kindly.
As a young adult who faced this, I’ve come to understand through therapy that I have no idea what a functional, loving relationship looks like. You’re dangerously imprinting on your children that dysfunction is normal, while wrongly believing you’re doing what’s best for them.
Divorcing when the kids are younger has some benefits. Key among them: It becomes their norm earlier. You at least stop modeling an unhealthy, unhappy relationship for them – they definitely pick up on that.