Mom and daughter want to move on to own space

Dear Amy: I’m a 33-yearold woman. My daughter is 11.

She and I live with my parents.

My parents own the house, and I pay them rent each month.

Both of my parents are in their early 70s. My father works part time.

They don’t seem to need the extra money that my rent provides (they are always buying new games and gadgets for themselves).

I want to have my own life.

I want to move into my own apartment, with my daughter.

I searched for apartments, made a budget, and I even concluded that I would continue to pay my parents the rent money I currently pay, so they wouldn’t be without that income.

When I told my parents of my plan to move out, they gave me this story about how sad they would be, and how they feel like I’m abandoning them at their time of need.

I don’t supply anything

but money. I don’t take them to doctor appointments or the grocery store.

I’m usually at work during the day. My mom home-schools my daughter, and I wasn’t planning to change that.

I just have a need for my own place and want to move out on my own.

How can I help my parents to be more comfortable with this?

— Mother/Daughter

Dear Mother/Daughter:

Your parents have a considerable attachment and emotional stake in you and your daughter.

That’s how parents and grandparents roll! It’s not just about the rent money you pay to them. They are attached to you. Their lifetime investment is in you.

And just as parents sometimes give their children a gentle nudge out of the nest (saying, “You can do it!”), you are going to go through a reverse of that process.

Offer your gratitude: “We could not have gotten this far without you.”

Offer an affirmation of their feelings: “I know this will be an adjustment for all of us. I’m going to miss you, too.”

Offer lots of reassurance: “We’ll still see you almost every day, and I’ll always be there if you need me, just as you’ve always been there for me.”

And then — make your plan, don’t let them manipulate you, and start the next chapter of your life.

Dear Amy: “Torn” described a long-ago sexual relationship with his sister-in-law, which started when he was 15.

I almost never agree with you because you obviously hate men, and so I have to admit that I was shocked and surprised at your compassionate response to Torn.

Yes, he was sexually exploited by an older woman. This was wrong, he is suffering, and you were right to recognize it.

— One of the Men You Hate

Dear One: I’ll take the backhanded compliment, and thank you for it.