Estrangement from family is really hard to describe

Dear Amy: I no longer communicate with my remaining immediate family members. Honestly, it’s a relief.

My family is significantly dysfunctional. One of my therapists (I’ve had several over the years) said that my family was the worst she knew from any of her patients. Some things that happened in our home would have qualified for child services intervention — if anyone had known.

My mother truly is a monster who hides behind socially acceptable exterior.

Neither my sister nor I qualify as monsters, but we were never close. I find her garbage-stuffed hoarder house and the way she mocks others disgusting. She probably finds me to be a judgmental, imperious jerk. (I wouldn’t blame her.)

Several months ago, my partner witnessed a horrible scene involving my mother and her husband’s vicious behavior.

My partner said he’d heard and witnessed quite a lot over the years, but he’s at the point where he can’t be in their presence any longer.

He’s a calm and patient person. I knew he was done.

After the episode, my sister (who wasn’t present) stopped responding to my attempts to contact her.

I decided to have nothing more to do with any of them.

I don’t know what my sister has been told, but I don’t care anymore.

Amy, I feel free. With each passing month, I feel lighter. I’m convinced that never being in contact with them again is the best thing for me.

My problem is that I don’t know what to say to people who don’t know we’re estranged when they ask me how they are. What should I say if people ask about our estrangement?

So far I just say, lightly and without any drama, that I don’t want to talk about them.

Do you have better suggestions?

— Fancy Free

Dear Fancy Free: Congratulations on your liberation. Your family of origin seems to present genuine dangers to your own mental and emotional health.

The fact that you are so concerned about how to describe this estrangement to others means that you’re still working through your choice.

You don’t need to explain or describe your situation. When people ask you about your family members, you can say, “I haven’t seen them in a while. Honestly I don’t know how they are.”

If people dig for reasons, you can say, “I just needed to take a break. That’s all. But you should get in touch with them. I bet they’d like to hear from you.”

Dear Amy: Your advice to “Dedicated Master Gardener” really spoke to me.

Like this writer, I’m an avid gardener and I learned the hard way not to offer unsolicited feedback about others’ plantings.

— Growing

Dear Growing: I’m also an avid gardener. Learning as you grow is rarely pretty — but it’s effective.