Stephen Colbert: 'America has its own royal baby: Donald Trump'
Monday night’s late-night monologues contained a mixture of international and local news as the hosts covered US conflicts, Donald Trump and the birth of Harry and Meghan’s baby.
Stephen Colbert: ‘The first thing Trump does? Call the witch’
Stephen Colbert opened with a “happy story that doesn’t really mean anything”: the royal baby. “It’s the best type of British baby: it’s an American one this time,” Colbert joked.
Colbert remarked that Harry’s announcement was adorable – “He thanked the horses! He thanked the horses! – and joked about the British health service: “That’s what you get with the NHS: National Horse Services.”
He also congratulated the royal couple on their newest addition. “Congratulations to the new parents. Now, you have a real job.”
Colbert then swiftly transitioned to US politics. “Of course, America has its own royal baby, Donald Trump. Our baby has been president for two years. He’s hitting the terrible twos.” With hundreds of former prosecutors agreeing that Trump would have faced obstruction of justice charges had he not been president, Colbert noted the foolishness of that answer. “That’s like knowing that a dog is the pilot of your 747 but you can’t remove him because Captain Scruffles has to stay focused on landing the plane.”
Even though Trump complained about being linked to Russia, he did have a phone call with Russian’s president, Vladmir Putin, after the report’s release. Colbert observed: “So, as soon as he thinks he’s cleared the witchhunt, the first thing he does? Call the witch.”
Seth Meyers: ‘Ironclad proof … from the president of Russia’
Seth Meyers opened his Closer Look segment with a shot at Trump’s recent behavior. “As Trump’s ex-lawyer was headed to jail, Trump got definitive, ironclad proof that he did not collude with Russia, from the president of Russia.”
After Trump tweeted “no re-dos” regarding Democrats who want to interview special counsel Robert Mueller, Meyers questioned his use of words. “How is it Trump always seems to be 100 years old and seven years old at the same time?” Meyers continued, listing Trump’s childish and fogeyish ways: “Watching Fox News, 100. Thinks trucks are rad, seven. Thinks Robert E Lee is rad, 100. Likes McDonald’s, seven.”
Meyers pointed out that if Trump really is innocent, then he shouldn’t have a problem having Mueller testify. “It really doesn’t help your case when you tell the cops you have an alibi, but they can’t talk to anyone who can verify it.”
Citing one instance where Trump attempted to get Mueller fired, to which the White House counsel Don McGahn said “The president wants me to do crazy shit”, Meyers joked: “It doesn’t surprise me that Trump would tell his aides to do crazy shit to interfere in an investigation. He probably tells them to do crazy shit just pass the time.”
Meyers’ Closer Look ended with observations on Michael Cohen, who faced a media circus before his prison stint. “This guy has more paparazzi following him than I do,” said Meyers. “One time, a single photographer followed me for 45 minutes. When I asked him to stop, he said: ‘Oh, sorry, I thought you were the guy from The Office,” referring to comedian BJ Novak.
Trevor Noah: ‘An intense Steven Seagal movie’
Rather than discussing Trump’s antics, the Daily Show host turned to America’s influence on world politics. Dubbing a new segment America’s Next Top Battle, Noah hypothesized where the next US conflict might be. Iran, where Trump reneged on the nuclear arms agreement, was the first one discussed. The national security adviser, John Bolton, previously said the country would be met with “unrelenting force” if Iranian forces were to harm allies.
Noah judged the use of words: “Yes, that is a major threat and an intense Steven Seagal movie.” Bolton has long been calling for attacks on the Middle Eastern nation. “Ten years is a long time to have a beef. You realize, 10 years ago, there were no Marvel movies about women and now, there’s one,” Noah said, referring to Captain Marvel. Noah also told his audience any conflict in Iran might destabilize the region. “It’s like you’re playing a tense game of Jenga, and then you pick the Hulk to make the next move.”
Another country that might face a future US conflict is Venezuela. Using a clip of the secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, who said “the United States wants all countries out of this nation”, Noah smiled slyly to the camera. The host likened it to “the guy at the bar who sees other guys hitting on a woman and is like: ‘Hey guys, back off’”, but then swoops in to do the same thing himself.
Noah closed his segment with a question: “So, who’s going to be America’s next top battle: Iran, China, or Venezuela? Well, with President Trump in charge, I wouldn’t be shocked if it ends up being all three.”