Cats review – a purr-fectly dreadful hairball of woe
The filming of Cats is a difficult matter, It isn’t just one of your holiday games, Each actor involved here looks mad as a hatter, When the trailer came out, we were CALLING THEM NAMES.It began with Cat poems from old TS Eliot, In the 80s, Lloyd Webber just put them on stage That was frankly a bit of a gamble for Andrew, but Coachloads of punters made Cats all the rage.
Now Cats is on film, with many a lonely puss Played by performers of Alister class.But the number of mammaries looks frankly erroneous And tails that appear to emerge from each arse. There are lots of big names here, names we see daily, Names that supposedly give us a lift. Nothing like Jonathan Pie or Bill Bailey, But names like James Corden, and – yes – Taylor Swift.The setting is London, it does look post-nuclear There aren’t any people, so maybe there were Bomb blasts – or maybe a bio disaster Causing cat-human mutants with digital fur.The twitching of ears on their heads is distracting
As they gaze at the greenscreen and sashay and crawl, It’s weird to behold them all gurning and acting, And why do so many resemble Darth Maul? Did director Tom Hooper intend this appearance? Did it make him feel happy – or cause him some stress?We have to assume that he gave it his clearance But THE MAN HIMSELF KNOWS and will never confess. These are the Jellicle felines of legend, All elbows and shoulders and undulant arms. Each male in the cast looks a bit of a bellend, And those bizarre whiskers don’t add to their charms.The Jellicles welcome Victoria: a new cat, Francesca Hayward’s the thesp with this role, She’s sleek, unlike Corden – well known for TV chat But it’s his size that reveals that he’s meant to be droll.And then Idris Elba comes on as McCavity, (A boomy-voiced villain in anyone’s book) There’s a prominent gap in his penis locality. I honestly didn’t … well … know where to look.As Grizabella, Jennifer Hudson will sniffle Singing Memory, this movie’s moment of truth.
But it’s warbling warbling warbling piffle From a bag lady dramaqueen obsessed with lost youth.The Jellicles’ leader is Old Deuteronomy Judi Dench has this part, looking very bemused. What’s with that extra big fur coat? You’ve got me. She looks bewildered and( like us) confused. Obviously, Ian McKellen is in it, And he’s got a tatty old topcoat as well.The other cats’ nude state is clearly permitted.But why? That is something that no cat will tell. There’s another cat in it, by name Mungojerrie, Not the 70s pop group who once raised a cheer, With their Summertime chart hit that really was very Much better, more catchy, than anything here.
Ray Winstone’s the creepiest cat in this feature His Growltiger sends a sharp chill down your spine With his hissing he looks like he’s having a seizure, It’s scary – like adverts for betting online. When you notice these cats in profound meditation With a digitally created frown on their brow Their minds are engaged in a rapt contemplation Of the thought, of the thought, of what on earth to do now. “Pretend to be cats!” says a director. They reply …“Me? How?”
• Cats is released in the UK and the US on 20 December and in Australia on 26 December.