Which Christmas movie are you?
What’s your favourite Christmas movie? You’ll have an easy answer to this, of course, because at this time of year it suddenly becomes very important to not only tell everyone about your love for one specific Christmas film, but also to defend it no matter what. People have died defending their choice of Christmas film. It has ripped families asunder. It’s like a happier, less pointless Brexit.
Your favourite Christmas movie is a defining aspect of who you are. If you like Scrooged then you do your best to disguise your soft centre with acts of practised cynicism. If you like A Charlie BrownChristmas you’re a die-hard nostalgist convinced that the world is constantly getting worse. If, like me, your favourite Christmas movie is the 2000 Nicolas Cage romantic comedy-drama The Family Man, then you’re really cool and obscure and all your friends are jealous about your amazing taste.
To better illustrate my point, let’s single out six of the most popular Christmas films and explore what they say about the people who love them.
Love, Actually
Oh, you old romantic. When you think of Christmas, you automatically think of Hugh Grant’s opening speech about the emotional power of airports. You see people hurling themselves at long-lost family members, wrapping themselves in an embrace of unbreakable love.
But the part of Love, Actually you most connect with is where Emma Thompson wordlessly realises that her husband has been unfaithful to her. Sure, the rest of it makes you laugh. You chortled when Andrew Lincoln tried to #MeToo Keira Knightley. You guffawed throughout all those weird bits where Martin Freeman and Joanna Page keep dry-humping, even though everyone always seems to forget that they were even in the film. But the Emma Thompson scene reminds you that all humans are ultimately untrustworthy and your heart will be exploded into smithereens the instant you put an ounce of your faith in another person. You are broken beyond repair. All people who like Love, Actually are broken beyond repair.
Miracle on 34th Street
You know what you are? You’re a traditionalist. You like things to be done the way they’ve always been done. Christmas Day begins at 7am sharp, with a hearty glass of room-temperature tap water. Your presents all come in the form of perfect cubes, wrapped in red or green but definitely no other colour. You cut your sprouts neatly in half with a knife before slowly chewing them. Paxo. Crackers. The Queen. Quick argument with the family and then off to bed. That’s Christmas.
So, of course, Miracle on 34th Street is your favourite Christmas film. This is a film as films should be. Compared with almost any other Christmas movie, it comes off as drab and featureless – “This is just a courtroom drama!” your grandchildren keep whining, “The legal process isn’t particularly festive!” – but you remember that it won three Oscars. That still means something to you. Did Jingle All The Way win three Oscars? Did Christmaswiththe Kranks? Hardly. “They’ll learn one day,” you think as the end credits roll and you joylessly bite down on another dry mouthful of the Christmas cake you only bought out of a sense of grim duty. “They’ll learn.”
The Muppet Christmas Carol
First, you miss your childhood. Second, your childhood happened in the 1990s. I know this to be true, because I love The Muppet Christmas Carol and when, a few years ago, I attended a screening of the film, every person there appeared to have been born on the same day as me. There is an entire generation that counts Muppet Christmas Carol as a cornerstone of their upbringing.
The fact that you have re-evaluated the film as an adult, and still love it, speaks volumes. You see, this isn’t a very Muppety Muppet movie. There aren’t as many rampant Muppet shenanigans as, say, The Great MuppetCaper or The Muppets Take Manhattan. It is, for the most part, a traditional retelling of the Dickens classic underpinned by a surprisingly committed Michael Caine performance. You enjoy the emotion of it rather than the comedy; especially the “Tiny Tim, who did NOT die” line, which you count as cinema’s greatest moment of catharsis. There will be one time in your life when, for whatever reason, you will begin crying as soon as this film starts and you won’t stop until 20 minutes after it ends. I think basically you need a hug.
Die Hard
Nobody actually believes that Die Hard is their favourite Christmas film. They just pretend that it is because they enjoy courting controversy. You probably also pretend to have a deeply held opinion about whether you put jam or cream on a scone first, don’t you?
Yes, Die Hard is a good film, beautifully constructed and tightly plotted. Yes, it’s arguably one of the most influential films of all time. And, yes, it happens to take place at Christmas. But that doesn’t mean it’s a Christmas film. Loads of films are set at Christmas. Iron Man 3 is set at Christmas, for crying out loud, but that doesn’t make it a Christmas film. Die Hard lacks the spirit of Christmas, and that’s the most important thing. Your insistence that it’s a Christmas film smacks of false edginess. You are Piers Morgan.
It’s a Wonderful Life
I’m going to stop you right there, if you don’t mind. It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t your favourite Christmas movie at all. It isn’t anyone’s favourite Christmas movie. What you like is the last five minutes of It’s a Wonderful Life, which is so sweet that it makes you forget that you’ve just spent the last two hours watching a man get punched in the face by the universe so hard that he ends up attempting suicide.
Oh, wait, you don’t agree? You actually do like the entirety of It’s a Wonderful Life? Which bit do you like best? The bit where James Stewart is constantly punished for doing the right thing in a demonstration that nice guys always finish last? Or do you like the bit where Clarence shows Stewart that his absence would single-handedly cause an entire town to slide into moral and financial ruin? If it’s the first, there’s a good chance that you’re a men’s rights activist who worships at the temple of Neil Strauss. If it’s the second, you’re a solipsistic egomaniac who grossly overestimates the value of their life.
Elf
There is always an exception to every rule, and I think in this case it might be Elf. You could give me a million years and I couldn’t provide you with an accurate personality description of someone who loves Elf. Everyone loves Elf. I love Elf. My kids love Elf. My dad loves Elf. And that’s because it resides at the sweet spot where all Christmas movies overlap. It’s an absurdist comedy. It’s a traditional tale of belief. It’s an emotional story about family. There’s an animated narwhal. This film is perfect. If you love it, the only thing I can tell you about yourself is that you are human.
So what sort of person doesn’t like Elf? Well, this one is much easier. If you don’t love Elf, then you have no joy in your heart, and the people in your life do not enjoy spending time with you. There’s a very good chance that your favourite movie is Fred Claus, and society should abandon you at the earliest opportunity.