Colbert on Trump phoning GOP officials: 'Much more personal than destroying democracy by text'
It’s been nine months since America went into lockdown, but there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel, said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s Late Show, as Britain inoculated its first citizen against the coronavirus. “Now that Britain has the vaccine, Americans are asking the American questions, like ‘give it to me,’” Colbert explained.
But it might be longer yet until Americans are vaccinated en masse, as it was revealed this week that the Trump administration passed on securing additional doses of the Pfizer vaccine now being distributed in Britain. “It’s leadership like that, that will ensure the president will continue to lose the election,” Colbert joked. “It’s all laid out in the new book, The Art of Why Didn’t You Make the Damn Deal?!”
Trump attempted to counter the embarrassing story on Tuesday with a White House vaccine summit (skipped by the two leading vaccine companies, Moderna and Pfizer) in which he bragged about the administration’s Operation Warp Speed and signed an executive order proclaiming that other nations will not get the US supplies of its vaccine until Americans have been inoculated. The order is moot, since the US will probably be the country short on vaccines; it appears to have “no real teeth”, according to the New York Times, “and it’s signed by a man who has no real hair or brain”, added Colbert.
Trump also promised, without evidence, that Covid infection rates in the US will “skyrocket downward”. “Ah, yes, that classic symbol of success: a rocket in the sky, plummeting toward the ground,” Colbert deadpanned. “It’s like they say: shoot for the moon – if you miss, you will die alone in a frozen metal tube.”
Meanwhile, the president once again tried to overturn the election with two phone calls to the Republican speaker of Pennsylvania’s house of representatives, days after he pressured Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp to convene a special legislative session to override the state’s election results (Kemp declined). “Come on, man, at a certain point you have to understand that it is over!” Colbert implored. “There’s a reason you don’t see headstones that say, ‘ I’d like a second opinion!’
“It’s horrifying, but at this point, no one should be surprised,” the host con
tinued. “Say what you will, but at least the president called. It’s so much more personal than destroying democracy by text.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump knows what he’s getting his loved ones for Christmas this year, assuming he’s capable of love,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday night, as the president reportedly considered handing out pardons “like Christmas gifts” during his final days in office. One source told Axios that Trump offended a staff member by preemptively assuming they would like a pardon, even though the official had not committed any crimes.
“The big question is: will Trump be allowed to pardon himself?” Kimmel explained. “He must think so because he’s still trying to put the squeeze on state officials” with two phone calls this week pressuring Pennsylvania’s speaker of the house to invalidate Joe Biden’s victory in the state. “This is where we are as a country right now – our president is cold-calling state representatives asking them to throw the election his way, like it’s a beauty pageant or something,” Kimmel lamented.
In other news, Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis tested positive for coronavirus days after she attended the White House Christmas party on Friday sans mask. The diagnosis has reportedly angered some senior Trump officials who were also in attendance. “Well, why were they at the party?” Kimmel wondered. “Why did you have a party in the first place?”
It’s all a bit ironic, given that just months ago, Ellis tweeted “there is no pandemic” – “so I’m starting to think the virus may have a sense of humor about all this,” Kimmel quipped.
Trevor Noah
And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah blasted Trump’s handling of the Pfizer vaccine deal, which offered the US doses now allotted to other countries after the administration punted on the deal. “That’s the art of the deal right there, baby,” Noah mocked.
“Pfizer thought that they could pull a fast one on Trump by offering to sell him life-saving vaccines, but my man Trump was like, ‘no deal. So now, Europe is stuck with all those vaccines, and that means more corona for everyone here in America, baby! Wait …
“Seriously though, this may seem like it was a dumb decision by Trump,” Noah added. “But if you take a moment to think about it, you realize that it was a really fucking dumb decision by Trump.”