Facing a lonely holiday? Single moms know how to help
This Christmas, we will have a small celebration, and it will certainly feel different. Experts have warned that, due to the rising number of Covid cases, Americans need to adjust their expectations for the holidays, spending that time we would normally gather alone, or only with the members of our households.
You know who is used to making the best of strange, lonely holidays? Single moms.
I’ve been a single mother since shortly after my son was born. Though I have primary custody, for the past few years, my son has spent every other Thanksgiving and Christmas with his father. For most of my son’s life, we have been a family of two, my son and I. So on those rare days when he’s hundreds of miles away, I have been a family of one.
The majority of the more than 13 million single parents in this country are mothers: over 80%. We’re used to dealing with doctor appointments, teacher conferences, and homework by ourselves, familiar with hand-offs to the non-custodial parent at halfway points: gas stations and rest stops. But just because you’re used to driving home alone to an empty house doesn’t make it easy.
I learned to have comedy podcasts ready to listen to on my solitary drives without my child. Once, my now partner talked to me for almost the entire four-hour-plus trip, keeping me company.
When I’m alone on holidays, I’ve learned to do the opposite of what my son and I typically do, not to try and replicate our family traditions to sad and desperate results, but to do my own thing. One year, I holed up in a tiny house on a lake by myself and worked on my novel for three days.
I tried to think of this forced isolation as time to recharge, time that those of us parenting alone near-constantly don’t normally get. I know the novelty of time to yourself has long worn off in this pandemic – but if you’re facing another lonely holiday, single moms might know how to help.
This year, I wouldn’t try to make it the same – but also, I wouldn’t dismiss a holiday as just another day. If it has meaning for you and your family, if you can’t do what you normally would or gather together, it’s going to hurt. Holidays are hard. Holidays when you’re worried about your family’s safety are the hardest. I won’t pretend I haven’t cried every holiday without my child, especially out of fear for his wellbeing and happiness.
I have learned not to force things, including emotions. Maybe spending the entire day in bed watching movies will distract you, maybe it will make you feel worse. If that’s the case, I know getting outside, even in the cold, is good for me. Doing something new helps as well: take that hike on a different trail. Walk farther than you have before.
Doing something kind for someone else often helps me feel better: go through your books and drop off some to a little free library, or finally build your own. See if anyone in your neighborhood needs groceries, or if you can cook them a meal with no-contact delivery. We didn’t spend Thanksgiving with Grandma—but we did drop off vodka and tonic on her porch.
Think about how to make people happy even if you’re not there. I’ve already ordered pork tenderloin sandwiches to be delivered to my mom for Christmas, a favorite from her childhood in Indiana.
Two years ago, facing his first Christmas without me, I wrote my son a letter from “elves”, explaining that Santa knew he wouldn’t be at home and was going to bring gifts early. When his father neglected to wrap presents for Christmas, my son had already celebrated.
I won’t pretend that day wasn’t one of the most painful of my life. But I hope my child remembers the letter. I hope he remembers the magic I made using what I had, doing what I could in a situation beyond our control, like the situation we’re facing now.
Single mothers can help teach the country how to get through. You can still make memories for yourself and your family by being creative and flexible. One day, this year will be a memory too, hopefully one not just of pain, but of resilience.
Holidays are hard. Holidays when you’re worried about your family’s safety are the hardest