‘Like Uber, but for cremations’: I created a $2m funeral startup – and became a monster
Afew years ago I sat on the phone, as a first-time CEO of a funeral startup in my 20s, trying to convince a woman to buy a $1,799 necklace filled with her mother’s ashes.
“Well, Katherine. It’s really beautiful.” I paused for dramatic effect. “We take a charm that you like, let’s say a dove, or a cross – or maybe something that meant something to Marcella. And then we fill it with some of her ashes. Whenever you wear it, it’s like Marcella is with you … right next to your heart.”
Ending on the word “heart” made it feel more genuine, which made it more likely that we’d get a conversion. A conversion is the word we used to describe a successful transaction.
But we had to be careful – if we got too good at this, too pseudo-genuine, we’d wind up unable to shield our own states of mind from someone else’s grieving misery.
That’s what I learned when a customer service rep had a breakdown on the open floor of our WeWork.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Well,” she sniffled, “I just got off the phone with this woman whose husband died. She has no kids and doesn’t think she’ll be able to afford staying in her home. Also, she might have cancer.”
I waited for the part that concerned me.
“So she can’t pay for our services,” she said.
“So sad,” I said, more upset at the lack of conversion than the woman’s loss.
I often wonder how I ended up like that – how I became someone I didn’t want to be. I like to think it was a culmination of circumstances beyond my control, and that I was simply a victim of fate. But that’s never true.
To be or not to be a funeral director, one always has a choice.
•••
I wasn’t always an insider to death. I wasn’t born knowing the average cost of a funeral ($7,000 to $12,000, depending on who you ask), or the temperature at which you can store a dead body (39F, or 3.8C).
My journey began in 2014, on a cold snowy day in New York, when I got a call from a mentor of mine.
“Things are fine, Alex – but my mother died last month.”
“I’m so sorry. How’re you coping?” I asked.
“It’s terrible. There’s so much paperwork. I’d pay thousands to make it go away.”
He asked me to start a business to tackle this. Why he asked me, specifically, I’m not sure. I was 25, carefree and had just come out of the closet. Maybe he thought that if I was able to feign interest in sex with women for so long, I’d have no trouble acting my way through “I’m sorry for your loss”. Until then, my career had always been directionless. One startup I worked for helped companies get rid of punch cards, another helped consumers find cheap parking. Companies that succeeded at making money but failed to make an emotional impact.
We came up with a premise: help families during end-of-life decisions. The startup was born, and we called her Grace.
Grace was beautiful. A soft color-palette of light blues and pale yellows, a website with all the features you’d hope for. It was like Uber, but for cremations. Grace would help with the disposal of a body, the logistics of cancelling a New York Times subscription, transferring a Chase asset, even deactivating Tinder. Our startup was tackling the $20bn funeral industry with a one-stop-solution for closing out someone’s life with just a few taps on your phone. But behind it all sat a young founder with no experience nor interest in death.
This quickly became a problem rather quickly with investors.
“Alex, we like you. You seem very fun and … happy-go-lucky. With regard to the funeral industry, you don’t really have what we call ‘founder-market’ fit.” Grace needed a raison d’être.
Then, a month later, my great-uncle Jack died of pneumonia. I was sad, as we all are when anyone dies, but my uncle and I weren’t close, and this lack of intimacy was a roadblock for the emotional story I needed to fundraise. It was here that my days of having been a liar, trapped in the closet, finally came of use.
“Well, new investor. When my Uncle Jack passed away, there was just so much to do. I was beside myself,” I cleared my already-clear throat. “Closing out the Chase account and the Verizon bill while helping my Aunt figure out what to do with his … well … you know … body … I just wish there had been a service to take on some of the work” – I intentionally looked to the floor – “… something that could have given our family time and space to sit together when we needed to, you know …”
I looked up. “To grieve.”
There it was: Grace’s origin story. I wasn’t proud of it then and I’m not proud of it now, but Grace was on a mission to provide a service to the world and we needed money to make that happen.
Four months later, we raised $2m – a typical round in the $130bn, delusional venture-capital market. With newly pocketed investor dollars, we relocated the company to California – a state that combined less restrictive funeral laws with tech-forward residents who might be comfortable with an online funeral home.
Specifically, we chose Los Angeles. At 63,559 deaths per year, even if we ended up with a low conversion-toclose rate, LA would have enough mortality to keep us running for a while. And what a city it was. A place full of charlatans, where wannabe celebrities drove Benzes and hot Insta types drove snake-oil CBD sales. It was just what we needed – a place where we fitted in.
“Ma’am, of course. We’ve handled many cremations in Calexico” – wherever that was. “We’ll have your father back to you in a week – ashes in hand.”
We had sales numbers to hit, and assumed we’d figure it out along the way.
And figure it out we did. Little check marks of death on a whiteboard. We were unprofitable, barely breaking even on contribution margin, let alone adjusting for salaries and phone-answering services and paying for flights to hospice conferences – but that didn’t matter at the time. Our top-line cremation numbers were up, and like most startups, we were adapting and changing to meet the needs of demand.
I began to adapt as well. Like a phoenix, I was shedding the feathers of a weaker, more genuine Alex, in exchange for those of an emotional chameleon. Someone who was able to look a man in the eyes and talk to him about his mother who had just been put on hospice, which typically meant she would yield a conversion within 24 days.
Knowing that I had to be there for him in order for the sale to close, while also knowing that her death was our gain. A battle easier fought when I could detach.
•••
Within a year, I passed a funeral director exam and then a life insurance exam, and months later, I had brokered a deal with a local hospital network whose electronic health record system automatically texted us each time a patient “expired”. A family for us to call, a fresh, potential conversion.
One evening, I was on a date with a guy I liked. His name was Patrick. Patrick the accountant.
“So, Alex, what do you do for work?” “Oh. Um. I’m in … healthcare. How about you?”
My phone buzzed.
*PATIENT 4327 – EXPIRED.*
“Sorry. Work stuff.”
*PATIENT 7645 – EXPIRED.* A beat. *PATIENT 7876 – EXPIRED.* The dead do not mind double texting.
“You can take that if you need to,” he said.
The next morning, while Patrick slept soundly in my bed, dreaming whatever it is that accountants dream, I sat at my desk a few feet away, facing the wall, calling a client.
“Mrs Tanning,” I said into my headset, as Patrick began to wake. “Hi, this is Alex from Grace. Yes, um … so sorry, but we just found out that your husband is 307lb instead of the 285 you wrote down.”
Patrick tuned in, as one does, when overhearing a conversation like this.
“Well, ma’am, you see, the crematory charges more because heavier people take much longer to cremate,” I explained. “Depending on how overweight, it can be eight to 12 hours instead of the typical four to six. Plus they need to hire an extra person to lift him on and off of the tray. It’ll end up being another $75 or so.”
She yelled and hung up. That was the last time I spoke with her. Or Patrick. A failed conversion on both the sale and the love interest. Both of them having seen the person I did not want to be.
And Grace was running out of money, as most startups do, when they hit top-line-revenue numbers for the sake of doing so, and have no North Star to keep them pointed in the right direction. It was about this time that my COO called.
“In order to increase our margins, we’re going to need to raise another round of funding to buy a crematory,” she said. “We’ll need $5m to $10m, which should last us two to three years. Someone will probably buy us after that. You down?”
I took the weekend to mull it over. Reading Medium blogs titled things like “The Time I Shut Down My Startup”, or “The Time I Almost Shut Down My Startup, But Didn’t”, self-masturbatory thought pieces written by people desperate for validation.
I imagined saying yes to my COO.
Buying a crematory with our team still in the throes of underfunded startupness. I couldn’t do it.
I called her back.
“No,” I said. “I’m not down to buy a crematory.” I paused. “I’m out.”
And so I shut it down. I killed my darling baby Grace.
•••
Shutting Grace down after four years was the best decision I made.
I was tired of walking the tightrope of helping people and turning a profit. Of waking up scared about slighting a family or losing a body. Tired of pretending to be someone I was not – because in being the CEO of a funeral startup, genuine empathy always comes at a cost to your bottom line.
And so I stopped. I stopped raising irresponsible venture dollars, and maybe let some other misguided, or unguided founder spend every day of their life working with people who are having the worst day of theirs.
Perhaps that founder has already been found. Maybe it’s the guy I chatted with out of Israel who wants to be the one-stop-shop for death and just raised $13m. Or maybe it’s the woman I read about who zips your corpse into a sexy leather suit of mushrooms and decomposes you to dust.
Either way, that someone isn’t me. Seeing headlines inundated with Covid death tolls, my friends say things like: “Alex, if Grace was still around you’d be making a fortune.”
Maybe. But I no longer look at life in that way.My days of hustling individuals at their darkest hour are gone while I figure out what to start next. Perhaps a business that does the world good. Something that transitions me far away from a past life in a WeWork filled with genuine-sounding phone calls that all seem to end on the word “heart”, towards a future life that not only sounds genuine, but actually is.
Yeah. I’ll start with that.
After all, I hear it helps with conversion.
tical aesthetic of pandemic lockdowns. Bella Hadid has modelled Marc Jacob’s current Heaven pair, and Isabel Marant served up metallic versions for spring/ summer 2021.
Gap has a selection of cargo shorts in various colours, and a slim-fitting cargo pant. Depop is awash in original versions, and, as for anything functional, Carhatt has your back. It also has these lava lamp-esque purple pants.
Halternecks
Ah, cropped halternecks – truly the sartorial Proust’s madeleine for early 00s club nights in freezing UK city centres. Paris Hilton, the doyenne of early 00s style, had two dominant looks: Juicy Couture velour tracksuit paired with Uggs, and cropped halter with mons pubis-skimming jeans. Hilton still suits a halterneck, wearing one to the Alice+Olivia show in New York last September. Other fans included Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Moss, and Victoria Beckham.
Zara has gone ALL OUT on halters for 2021. Carve out a good chunk of time to go through everything here. It is also worth checking out charity shops – reopening laden with lockdown donations.
Pochettes
Finally, we come to the minuscule shoulder bags, with equally minuscule straps, that live in the armpit (perfect with your halter). Before the return of the Hermès Birkin bag waiting-list in the mid-00s, it was rip-offs of the monogrammed Louis Vuitton pochettes (beloved by SJP in Sex and the City), Dior “nano” bags, and Sloanefavourite saddles that could fit nary a lipgloss and a debit card in, that ruled the high street.
As my colleague Priya Elan has noted, tiny handbags have been having a big resurgence since 2020 – a trend which shows no signs of stopping. Gen Zers such as Kendall Jenner have embraced them, and Louis Vuitton has launched its Multi Pochette (see above), which is a sort of bag matryoshka doll, featuring smaller bags inside.
If you want to go microscopically small, might I suggest copying Lizzo at the American Music Awards, whose Valentino Borrower-sized purse deservedly became an instant meme. For sums of money physically impossible to fit in one of these bags, eBay lists a lot of vintage originals, as does the preowned section of Farfetch. Otherwise, Urban Outfitters is doing a chain-accented faux-croc version.
mayoralty. In 2014, on the day of the Scottish independence referendum, it urged Scots to stick with the union.
No country had ever voted to leave the European Union before. The Guardian had been clear in the run-up to 2016’s Brexit vote that the electorate ought to vote to stay in. But on the morning of 23 June 2016, the paper did not tell readers how it thought they should vote. Instead, on a vote that would define the country’s role in the next century, the leader said: “The UK will, gradually, put the tensions of the campaign behind it, however painful they have been, and start instead to focus on its future.”
History had other ideas. Perhaps the Guardian’s unwavering belief in the strength of the EU’s case was a source of complacency. If so, it was not the only paper to suffer such delusions. As
Julie Firmstone of Leeds University put it in 2016: “Most disappointingly, whilst the leave papers pulled out all the stops on polling day, only the Mirror clearly called for a vote to remain.”
While the Guardian leader column is now just one voice among many, it still represents the only long-range institutional view. It represents not any one person’s belief but an attempt to distil values that have evolved across the centuries. The column tries to keep in mind past mistakes and to proceed with humility. No one knows the verdicts history will hand down on the opinions that appear obvious today.