Stephen Colbert: ‘There’s a reason the Russian army is getting its ass kicked – it sucks’
Stephen Colbert checked in on Russia’s war in Ukraine on Monday evening, after Vladimir Putin forced four regions of occupied eastern Ukraine to hold sham votes. On Friday, Putin announced in a speech that Russia would officially annex the regions. “Congratulations, guys!” the Late Show host deadpanned.
“You’re now a part of Russia, so you can enjoy Russia’s national pastime: fleeing Russia.”
In his speech, Putin called Russia “a great millennial power”.
“Oh, Russia is a total millennial,” said Colbert. “They’re depressed, they’re spiraling into debt, and they love avocado toast, which in Russia … is potato.”
Putin also boasted that people in the territories would “become our citizens forever”.
“That’s right, forever! Or several minutes, whichever comes first,” Colbert corrected, because while Putin was declaring victory, Ukrainian forces were retaking the city of Lyman. “It’s just like the old saying: when life gives you Lymans, Ukrainian forces will crush you and take them back within 24 hours.
“There’s a technical reason the Russian army is getting its ass kicked: it sucks,” Colbert added. According to one Ukrainian commander, Russian troops he’s faced have worn flip-flops and sharing guns. Colbert broke out his Russian parody accent: “Sergei, Sergei, we discussed this! On Tuesdays I hold gun, you hold bullets. Tomorrow, I wear flip, you wear flop.”
Seth Meyers
On The Late Show, Seth Meyers looked at Republicans dissembling just five weeks out from the midterm elections. “Even if you’re someone who follows politics very closely, you’d be hard-pressed to name a single Republican policy idea,” he noted, “aside from cutting rich people’s taxes, or banning abortion, or passing a law that says it’s illegal to win an election if your name isn’t Donald Trump SENIOR.
“Which is why Republicans are now trying to at least create the appearance that they have a plan to tackle the issues people care about by debuting what they’re calling a commitment to America.” The House minority leader, Kevin McCarthy, unveiled the plan in late September with a piece of paper pulled out of his jacket pocket.
“It’s a bad sign when your plan for the future of the nation can be pulled out of your pocket like it’s an acceptance speech at the Emmys,” said Meyers.
“The GOP commitment to America has been so underwhelming that even Fox News has been questioning why it’s so thin,” he continued. Asked about the plan’s lack of specificity on Fox, Elise Stefanik, the number three House GOP member, answered “there are ample details – number one, an economy that’s strong”.
“Do they honestly expect voters sitting at home watching to hear that and think, ‘hm, strong economy, I like the sound of that!’” Meyers wondered. “It’s like one of those commercials where someone at a kitchen table responds to a bodiless voice and questions about making your life better without ever giving any answers as to how.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Back in Los Angeles after a week in Brooklyn, Jimmy Kimmel noted the release of Maggie Haberman’s book on Trump, Confidence Man, “which is the formal way of saying con man – don’t tell Trump”.
The former president sat for three interviews for the book, which he has already discredited as fake news. “This is what he does,” Kimmel explained. “For almost every one of these tell-all books, he sits for an interview, then the book comes out, and then he calls the author a liar. And then the same author writes their next book about him, he sits for an interview again, and calls them a liar again. But he loves the attention so much he can’t resist doing the interviews.”
Among other things, the book contains a story about Trump’s abandoned plan to emerge from the hospital, having survived Covid, wearing a Superman T-shirt. “Listen, the only thing Trump does faster than a speeding bullet is have sex,” Kimmel joked. “We know that from Stormy Daniels.”
Haberman also reported on the Trump team’s uncooperativeness during the transition to the Biden administration. In their final days in office, Trump’s staff printed out pictures of Hunter Biden and stuffed them in the White House air-conditioning unit. “Which was especially weird because that’s where Melania was hiding at the time,” Kimmel quipped.
Trevor Noah
And on The Daily Show, Trevor Noah mocked a new dating app for conservatives called The Right Stuff, made in part to help people whose dates have been abandoned once the other person found out about their job at the Trump administration.
“When does anyone go on a date and not know what the person does ahead of time?” Noah wondered. “It’s 2022. We all have the internet. Let me tell you something: by the time you get to the restaurant, you know their job, their friends, their dating history – if they’ve taken a picture on a beach after the year 2005, you’ve seen it.
“But none of this will be an issue any more thanks to The Right Stuff,” he said facetiously. Profile prompts on the Peter Thiel-backed app include favorite Bible verse, favorite conservative pundit, and January 6 was … blank. “So good luck out there, all you conservatives hoping to match with that special FBI agent monitoring the site,” Noah joked.
“There’s nothing wrong with having a conservative dating site,” he added.
“There are apps where you can meet people with the same religious beliefs, apps where you can meet fellow farmers. There’s even an app where you can connect with other diehard Star Trek fans.
“But if you ask me, these apps are just one more way that people are retreating further and further into their own little bubbles,” he continued. “In my opinion, that’s a little sad,” which was why he supported The Daily Show’s parody app: Hate Fuck.