Enough with finding ‘the one’. Let’s become better at loving the people we already have
Over the last few years, as a psychologist and as a friend, I have sat with many people struggling with isolation and loneliness. Some government-enforced, some just the way things have turned out. But although the causes may be different, one thing is clear: nobody wants to be lonely.
Our bodies need social connection. It’s in our biology. This is one reason, as often reported, that married people are shown to have lower rates of mortality compared to single people of the same age. But it’s important not to end the story there. In his book The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate points to other important findings that get mentioned less: that those who are unhappily married show poorer wellbeing and health than the unmarried and that improving the quality of all your relationships reduces your risk of death by the same amount as quitting smoking or drinking.
Your body doesn’t need to be married, but it does need social connection.
But our basic need for connection has been hijacked by one alluring idea. An idea present through everything we watch and everything we read, that we will go broke paying for, but that we think will always feel worth it. That love is about finding “the one”. That if we just swipe right enough, we will find that needle in the “hey” stack, that we will be swept off our feet and the search will be over, that loving this soulmate will be easy, and that we will never be alone.
As a hopeless romantic I want this to be true. As a psychologist, I know we have got it all wrong. Because love is not something we find – love is something we do. It’s something we need to learn to do better with all the important relationships in our lives, not just “the one”.
When we define love as an action, rather than a feeling or an object, everything changes. It allows us to consider what the actions of love are and how to show up for all the important relationships in our lives. We can also develop an understanding of how we need to be loved and then ask for it. Until we can define the love we need, how can we expect to receive it?
In The New Rulebook, I propose that we define love as three actions: belonging, connection and safety.
The actions of belonging are those that encourage our loved ones to express their authentic selves and to feel valued in that authenticity. The actions of connection are the skills of communication. For instance: listening rather than fixing, expressing your emotions and coming together after conflict. The actions of safety are those that help your loved ones to feel safe and secure. These might include honouring boundaries, making time for a regular relationship “check-in”, having your actions match your words and being trustworthy.
We can then define relationships by how much we are willing to commit to these actions. The ticket to finding love becomes not about finding your soulmate, but rather committing to making all your important relationships work: with your partner or partners, with your friends and with your family. All these relationships are equal in their capacity for you to love and be loved.
In this culture, especially on Valentine’s Day, someone who is “single” is viewed as someone who is lacking – but that’s not true. The people who are actually lacking are those who don’t have others in their life with whom they experience connection, belonging and safety.
The last few years led to many break-ups, lost contact with friends and family and disconnection from workmates. But while many of us are now finally free to reconnect, I am noticing many are hesitant to return to social engagements, to see old friends or even to make a phone call. We don’t want to be alone, but we are wary of opening ourselves up again because we fear rejection. But we can’t just hope for friendship; we need a path to get there. We can’t just wish for love; we need to redefine it. Social reconnection won’t just happen. It requires intentional action. It requires love.
As a psychologist, I have seen firsthand the mental health harm that is caused by a culture that dictates how and whom we should love. As a queer man, I know this pain intimately. We are expected to find not just “true love” but “normal love.” But just because something is the norm, does not mean it is what we need.
So this Valentine’s Day, take a moment to consider all the loves of your life. Your friends, family, colleagues – whoever is most important to you. Consider how you can show love in all the relationships in your life – not only through heart-shaped chocolates but also through actions.
In these times of uncertainty, love is not all we need, love is all we can do.
The New Rulebook: Notes From a Psychologist to Help Redefine The Way You Live by Chris Cheers is out now through Harper Collins