Now we know: in Trump’s fantasy comeback, he’ll be wearing handcuffs
“I actually don’t even know why I did it,” porn star Stormy Daniels once reflected of the “textbook generic” sex she claimed to have had with Donald Trump after some cursed-sounding Nevada golf tournament. “But I do remember while we were having sex I was like: ‘Please don’t try to pay me.’”
Well, quite. If ONLY Trump had stuck to the non-payment he presumably agreed in the heat of passion in that Lake Tahoe hotel room in 2006, instead of allegedly getting his lawyer to hand hush money to Daniels when he was running for president a decade later. He is now facing an estimated 34 charges of falsification of business records, believed to relate to payments to both Stormy and the former Playboy model Karen McDougal. As the former president once observed, vaginas are “potential landmines … There’s some real danger there.”
By way of clarity, the specific former president to whom I just referred is
Trump, and not, say, Abraham Lincoln or Calvin Coolidge, whose views on the deadly peril of female genitalia are not recorded. But it’s remarkable that after all the hardcore and extreme political and financial stuff Trump pulled in office and beyond, it’s the fallout from an alleged textbook generic shag that’s left him most exposed. To adapt the calcified cliche about Al Capone, they’re trying to get him on sex evasion. It remains highly unclear that they’ll succeed, and even less likely that jail time would be served – though Donald can hardly claim orange isn’t his colour.
For many, of course, it will be very exciting to see Trump winning votes again, albeit from the majority of a Manhattan grand jury. According to reports, his surrender to the authorities is expected on Tuesday. Once in custody, Trump will get the chance to pucker his anus-like mouth for the cameras taking his mugshot, then to offer his tiny fingers for prints. This process will be followed by a court appearance for his arraignment.
But that’s next week. Yesterday, the squire of Mar-a-Lago barrelled off the golf course, where he had been accompanied by a young female aide who apparently drives a golf cart specially equipped with a computer so she can show him positive stories about himself even on the course. That wasn’t possible during Thursday’s nine holes, alas, and Trump swerved the clubhouse to post on his Truth Social network. “These Thugs and Radical Left Monsters have just INDICATED the 45th President of the United States of America”, ran this statement, which you should obviously take with a cup of cold [sic]. He becomes the first president to be indicted and face criminal charges, an accolade to take its place in his trophy cabinet alongside being the first US president to be impeached twice, and indeed the first president to