I have taken up running – and lost my grip on reality
Seven weeks ago, I took up running. In that time, I have gone from a bacon-sandwich guzzling sloth to someone with a fragile grip on reality. One sign of this was my over excitement about the Ethiopian athlete Tigist Assefa’s stellar women’s marathon win in Berlin.
Ah yes, I hear you say – a victory for womankind, a moment to contemplate the grit and determination it must have taken to run 26.2 miles in 2 hours, 11 minutes and 53 seconds. Alas, none of that immediately entered my head. No, my first impulse was to Google her shoes.
Never mind that I had already forked out for a coral pink pair of
Asics a week into my running “journey”, after the heel disintegrated on one of my eight-year-old relics mid-run. I seized the opportunity to tumble down a rabbit hole of rearfoot and forefoot cushioning, midsole foam, energised toe-off and other impenetrable jargon. Even as I complained about creaky knees and tiredness, I became obsessed by anti-blister socks, sweat-wicking fabric and over-engineered headbands.
Now I am coveting Assefa’s £400 supershoes, cited as a key factor in her performance. Obviously, I really need them because, in my mind, I am an elite athlete who, in time, will rise above my tortoise-league speed of 6km an hour. How has this happened to me?
I blame the NHS Couch to 5K app, where you select a coach to guide you through nine weeks of hell – sorry, I mean interval running. Designed for those with little to no experience, last year more than 6m runs were completed using the app. The idea is that you track progress by doing three runs a week with commentary from a celebrity coach of your choice. I chose former heptathlon star Denise Lewis, and now, somehow, I believe that she is personally mentoring me for greatness.
The seductive thing about running is that it is possible to make spectacular gains in a short period of time. Assefa is a shining example of this – she ran her first marathon last year, scoring a modest time because of health problems. Last year, I had health problems of my own. A fractured shoulder in November meant I barely left my sofa until July except to go to physio. Thank