My drag persona gave me a way to exist in the world – and a route back to the family I’d lost
There was a hula-hooper, a juggler, a mime and a comic on our 2015 Christmas cabaret tour, and a striptease, too. Mine was known as the “hotdog act”. Each night, in full drag, I’d totter on to a stage in a room full of total strangers with a jar of 10-inch hotdogs, and shove them up my nose, down my throat, into the air, to music. I was apeing the burlesque style, turning what could seem sensual into something totally grotesque. You’ll struggle to believe me, but during this period of my life I took myself – and my work – debilitatingly seriously.
There was a lot of baggage on that tour bus: cases full of costumes, yes, but also the emotional variety. Each of us was going through the wringer – breakups, breakdowns, crises galore. I know, how festive. My mental health was in the pits and it had been six or seven months since I’d spoken to my family. I was in self-destruct mode. Through our collective pain, we bonded as a cast. When you live and work together on the road, there’s no escaping. Pre-show, our dressing room became a group therapy space. And, after a gig, high on adrenaline, we’d sit around sharing problems and too much merlot. One of the other artists was reading a book that argued that being born is traumatic and to heal you must re-enact it. We talked logistics, but I never quite got round to reliving my own delivery.
Christmas can be a tricky time for queers: not all of us are welcomed back to our families or the places we grew up. It can be a reminder of traumatic times. I’m lucky that’s not my story. I’d been raised in a warm, supportive environment in rural County Durham. Running in fields and messing about, I had a loving and straightforward childhood. As a kid, I performed a lot – youth theatre, am-dram, a clowning gig at a nearby theme park. I put on magic shows at the local library and puppet shows from behind the living room sofa, often to an audience of no one. I floated around silly and care-free; dressing up, messing around and playing the fool, unbound by masculinity is what came naturally.
As I grew older, though, I realised I was gay. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t know any other queer people. In the classroom, it was the worst insult you could make. The teacher? The weather? Maths homework? Gay, gay, gay. And mine was a Catholic school where there was never a mention of queer sexualities. The media were no better. On screen, the only gay storylines were those of trauma and pain – there was no positive narrative. Once I understood that was my identity, too, I didn’t tell a soul. I was frightened of what people would think of me if I came out. What might happen if I was discovered. And so, I quickly buried all that silliness. Anything that I’d been taught that might make me less of a man was done away with. I felt unworthy, ashamed of who I was. For years, I stopped engaging with that whole part of myself.
By this 2015 tour, my world had changed. As a student in Newcastle, that guard had started to come down. I came out and even started doing drag. As part of my course, I’d written a straight radio play about the women in the northeast I grew up with. To get it marked, it needed to be recorded. I didn’t know any actresses or have the budget to pay, so I put on a voice and did it myself. Soon I was performing it in front of small live audiences. After graduating, I moved to London with a now ex-boyfriend. He’d chased his dream of becoming a musical theatre star and I’d started out in my drag career proper. I’d found my people, yes, but I still felt embarrassed by who I’d become, even if on stage I oozed confidence and self-acceptance. That queer shame was unshakeable. So I worked hard and partied harder, suppressing all that internalised hatred.
For years, I’d worried that if that silliness trickled into my personal life I’d be perceived as unreliable, unworthy and unprofessional. Inside me was still that child desperate to keep my true self hidden. It’s why, I think, by 2015, I’d cut off contact with my parents and siblings, too. I convinced myself doing so meant I could disconnect from those troubled times. They’re the people who knew me best – disappearing felt easier than trying to find the words to communicate what was happening. The longer it went on, the more distant I felt. Finding a route to getting back in touch slipped further and further out of reach.
That is, until one afternoon in Edinburgh, our tour’s final stop, when something happened. In the dressing room, while we – the cast – all shoved on our slap, we wound up in one of our hugely personal conversations. I bared my soul, forgetting, briefly, where I was. After opening up, I turned back to the mirror and saw myself – one eyebrow, lopsided wig, makeup half-complete. My reflection was so ridiculous that as I looked myself in the eye, I couldn’t help laughing. Why was I, a literal clown, bogged down in misery? My problems had all felt so heavy and vast, but staring at my bonkers reflection, it all just suddenly felt so silly. In wig and heels, I was a professional frankfurter swallower; the previous day, I’d contemplated re-enacting my own bloody birth. It was so preposterous. A deep, rich belly laugh kept on coming.
Through Ginger Johnson, my drag persona, I was no stranger to channelling my rampant ridiculousness. I’ve sung a duet with a talking poo I’d met in a sewer; performed psychic surgery while dressed as a Victorian dowager; made love to a talking custard pie; swallowed swords so far that they’ve appeared at the other end. Offstage, however, I’d kept my inner clown hidden. In the world of academic clowning, there’s a concept called “clown in trouble” syndrome. It’s a term coined by John Wright, teacher, theatre-maker and author of Why Is That So Funny? He writes about how becoming a total idiot can be an exercise in self-improvement. When you find you’re in a difficult situation, taking the most ridiculous, preposterous route out is where humour lies. He meant, I think, this to be a mantra for the stage. There in the dressing room, I realised Wright’s ideas could apply to my own life, too. Not just when I was performing. For years, I’d imagined my life as a tragedy playing out – why not reframe it as a comedy?
Seven years on, this is how I see the world. When you approach each day as a ridiculous endeavour, life feels easier. When things go wrong, I look for the punchline. Most of us are pretending all the time, putting on a mask, trying to appear high-functioning when really, we’re baby-brained idiots. I’ve simply decided to embrace it.
So, I decided to phone my parents – and made the call from the top of Edinburgh’s Arthur’s Seat. Mum picked up. For a while, we just sat on the line in silence. Then we got to work repairing and rebuilding. It couldn’t have gone better. It was light when I got up there, but pitch black by the time – hours later – we’d finally said our goodbyes and see you soons. Right after one of the most important conversations of my life, I had to quickly scramble down a mountain in the dark, because I was late for chucking on a garish frock and throwing saveloys in my face.
I used to have an internal monologue constantly saying, “Oh God, how awful.” I catastrophised. Now, I vocalise those thoughts. It’s easier to realise you’ve lost the plot when you hear yourself actually speaking nonsense. When it feels like things are falling apart, I think of the most ridiculous, disastrous ending to the situation I’m in. It offers some perspective.
I had a festive gig last night. It was a disaster. The tech went wrong from the outset; my backing-track messed up. Then, as I trotted from one side of the room to the other, my stiletto heel got caught in a floorboard and I fell fully over. The old me would have been mortified: I’d have thought my career was over, I’ll never get booked again. But as I lay there flat on the floor – wig skew-whiff, dress in my face and rabbitshaped shoes flying through the air – I started chuckling. The crowd joined in.
There are lots of reasons I do drag. It’s my creative outlet – how I express my ideas and politics. I perform children’s stories I’ve authored to kids, full of happy LGBTQ+ characters – creating what I didn’t have when I was younger. Mostly, Ginger is my way of spreading the silliness and stupidity that set me free. When I’m the most ridiculous thing in the room, nobody else feels that eyes are on them; it gives audiences a licence to let their guard down and experience the restorative power of the ridiculous. Ginger helped me find a way to exist in the world. Now she also allows others to, too. If that fails, there’s always rebirthing. As told to Michael Segalov
Ginger Johnson: Ginger All the Way! runs until 6 January at London’s Soho Theatre
I floated around silly and care-free; dressing up, messing around and playing the fool
ber – each time for a different team. He threw four interceptions in Cleveland’s 24-22 Christmas Day loss to the Packers in 2021 and was Los Angeles’ starter when the Rams fell 24-12 last 19 December.
Atlanta Panthers
Falcons
7-9 Carolina
Eddy Pineiro kicked a 23-yard field goal as time expired and the Carolina Panthers defeated Atlanta 9-7 in a steady downpour Sunday, dealing the Falcons playoff hopes a huge blow.
Atlanta (6-8) entered the game tied with New Orleans and Tampa Bay for first place in the NFC South, but now find themselves needing help to get into the postseason after the Saints and Buccaneers both won to improve to 7-7.
Bryce Young threw for 167 yards in his second NFL win and Chuba Hubbard ran for 87 yards for Carolina (2-12), which snapped a six-game losing streak.
The Falcons led 7-6 and were driving for more points when Desmond Ridder threw into traffic and was intercepted at the Carolina 5 by safety Xavier Woods. Young, who had struggled all afternoon, led the Panthers on a 17-play, 90-yard drive that took all 7:35 off the clock.
On the final drive, interim coach Chris Tabor took a chance when the Panthers reached the Atlanta 2 by having Young take a knee on three straight plays before sending Pineiro on the field with :01 showing on the clock.
New York Giants 6-24 New Orleans Saints
Derek Carr passed for 218 yards and three touchdowns, New Orleans sacked Tommy DeVito seven times, and the Saints defeated the New York Giants 24-6 on Sunday.
It was one of the more redemptive performances of the season for
Carr, who was booed while struggling in recent home games. Not this time as he connected on 23 of 28 passes without a turnover in one of his most efficient outings of his first season with New Orleans (7-7).
And he did it without top receiver Chris Olave, who was scratched because of an ankle injury.
Carr’s scoring passes went for seven yards to Keith Kirkwood, 24 to Juwan Johnson and one to Jimmy Graham, who caught his third scoring pass in three games.
The result kept the Saints tied atop the NFC South with Tampa Bay and marked the end of a heady run for DeVito, an undrafted rookie who has become a sensation in New York by leading the Giants on a three-game winning streak that briefly pulled them back to the fringe of the NFC playoff picture.
New York Jets 0-30 Miami Dolphins
Raheem Mostert scored two more touchdowns to set Miami’s singleseason record with 20, Tua Tagovailoa threw for 224 yards and a score and the Dolphins shut out the New York Jets 30-0 on Sunday without star receiver Tyreek Hill.
Mostert walked into the end zone untouched on a two-yard run that put AFC East-leading Miami (10-4) ahead 7-0 and gave the ninth-year running back his 17th rushing touchdown of the season – one more than Ricky Williams, who set the record in 2002. The score was also Mostert’s 19th overall, which broke the team record of 18 set by Mark Clayton in 1984.
Tagovailoa was 21 of 24 with an 87.5% completion percentage and a 60yard touchdown pass to Jaylen Waddle. He was replaced by Mike White with 8:32 remaining and the Dolphins up by 30.
A week after Zach Wilson threw for over 300 yards against Houston, the Jets’ third-year quarterback’s day was cut short when he left late in the second quarter with a concussion. New York (5-9) were shut out for the first time since losing 26-0 at Denver in Week 3 of the 2021 season.
The loss, combined with wins by Houston and Cleveland, eliminated the Jets from playoff contention for the 13th straight season – and severely lessened the chances of Aaron Rodgers returning this season from a torn achilles tendon. Rodgers has said one of the conditions of his comeback would be New York remaining in contention.
San Francisco 49ers 45-29 Arizona Cardinals
Christian McCaffrey scored three touchdowns, Charvarius Ward had two interceptions – including a pick-six – and the San Francisco 49ers pushed their winning streak to six games with a 45-29 win over the Arizona Cardinals.
San Francisco’s Brock Purdy – making his first NFL start at State Farm Stadium, which is about 45 miles from where he grew up – completed 16 of 25 passes for 242 yards and tied a career high with four touchdowns. He also shook off a hard hit in the second quarter that caused him to miss a few plays.
During their winning streak, the 49ers (11-3) have won all of their games by at least 12 points. They’ve also won 12 straight against divisional opponents in the NFC West.
McCaffrey scored his second touchdown early in the third quarter, sneaking out of the backfield for a 41-yard score and a 28-13 lead. The running back was so wide open that he leaped for the catch, fell down, and still had enough time to get to his feet and sprint to the end zone.
He made it there a third time later in the third quarter after plowing ahead one-yard for the touchdown and a 35-16 advantage. Deebo Samuel followed with his second touchdown catch in the fourth, a 19-yard reception that made it 42-22.
Washington Commanders 20-28 Los Angeles Rams
Matthew Stafford passed for 258 yards and hit Cooper Kupp and Demarcus Robinson for touchdowns, leading the Los Angeles Rams to a 28-20 victory over the free-falling Washington Commanders.
Kupp’s eight receptions for 111 yards were highlighted by a 62-yard TD catch right after halftime for the Rams (7-7), who have won four of five to push their way into the playoff picture even in a self-described remodeling season.
Kyren Williams overcame the first two lost fumbles of his two-year NFL career to rush for 152 yards and a touchdown while his Rams slid into one of the three NFC wildcard playoff positions alongside fellow 7-7 teams New Orleans and Minnesota.
The Rams’ defense largely shut down the Commanders (4-10) in the first three quarters before Washington backup quarterback Jacoby Brissett made things interesting in his first significant playing time of the season.
Brissett relieved Sam Howell in the fourth quarter and immediately led two touchdown drives for the Commanders, who have lost five straight. Curtis Samuel caught two TD passes, including a three-yard grab with 1:46 to play.
Dallas Cowboys 10-31 Buffalo Bills
James Cook had a career-best 179 yards rushing and scored twice as Buffalo dominated on the ground, and the Bills beat Dallas 31-10, ending the Cowboys’ five-game winning streak.
Josh Allen threw for just 94 yards for the Bills (8-6), who won consecutive games for the first time since a threegame winning streak ended on 1 October. Buffalo gained ground in the AFC playoff race, moving one game ahead of
Denver and Pittsburgh.
The Cowboys (10-4) clinched their third playoff berth before kickoff thanks to losses by Green Bay and Atlanta on Sunday and Detroit beating Denver on Saturday. But nothing else went right for Dallas, who fell a game behind NFC-best San Francisco.
The Cowboys, who are 7-0 at home – where they’ve outscored their opponents by a combined 279-108 – dropped to 3-4 on the road, where they’ve been outscored 156-152.
Buffalo rushed for 266 yards, held the ball for 10 minutes more than Dallas and had 28 first downs to the Cowboys’ 14.
The Cowboys, who had scored 40 or more points five times this season and enjoyed eight wins by 20 or more, were held to a season-low 195 yards of offense. Dak Prescott finished 21 of 34 for 134 yards with an interception.
Baltimore Ravens 23-7 Jacksonville Jaguars
Lamar Jackson threw a touchdown pass and made the play of night when he avoided a sack and threw to Isaiah Likely near the goal line, and the Baltimore Ravens clinched a postseason berth with a 23-7 victory over the Jacksonville Jaguars on Sunday night.
Gus Edwards ran for a touchdown for the Ravens (11-3), who won their fourth in a row and moved a step closer to securing the No 1 seed and homefield advantage throughout the AFC playoffs.
The Jaguars (8-6) lost their third straight – all against AFC North teams – and fell into a tie with Houston and Indianapolis atop the AFC South. Self-inflicted mistakes were a common thread in Jacksonville’s skid.
Trevor Lawrence fumbled twice in the latest letdown, including one in the fourth quarter that essentially sealed Baltimore’s eighth victory in their last nine games.
dule congestion, freeing up to six midweek match dates.” In July, MLS joined forces with Liga MX to play an entirely new World Cup style tournament shoehorned into the middle of the MLS regular season. It is absurd for MLS to use “schedule congestion” as an excuse to abandon the Open Cup when it concocted a whole new tournament out of nothing just this year.
Perhaps MLS is worried by the growth of soccer below it, and that the gap between itself and the Division II-sanctioned league, the USL Championship, is closing. MLS teams being knocked out of the Open Cup by USL sides, as regularly happens, doesn’t fit with MLS’s marketing of itself as the top league – the only league – in America. It views the rest of soccer as competition and it aims to stifle that competition. By withdrawing itself from the cup, MLS is simultaneously harming markets in other leagues and undermining a tournament that has more history than itself and is 110 years older than the Leagues Cup.
A major reason for MLS turning its back on the Open Cup will be one of control. Control of the marketing, broadcasting, and narrative – control it doesn’t have in the Open Cup. The Leagues Cup was broadcast on Apple TV+ via MLS’s subscription service, Season Pass. The Open Cup, now run and marketed by the USSF, was open to other broadcasters with CBS eventually doing an admirable job of giving it the reverence it deserves. It was given more prominence last year under the marketing of USSF than it ever was under the marketing arm of MLS, Soccer United Marketing, which oversaw it until the end of 2022. Now it isn’t under its control, MLS suddenly wants out.
That 2023 coverage included Inter Miami’s progress to the final of the 2023 Open Cup. In turn, this meant much of the early hype when Lionel Messi joined Miami in July focused on his involvement in this tournament. Messi produced a magical display in the semifinal to steer his team to a comeback victory against FC Cincinnati in August. It was telling that none of this was mentioned in the Messi Meets America documentary on Apple TV+. It was as if his involvement in the Open Cup hadn’t happened.
By removing itself from the Open Cup, MLS is attempting to control the story of Messi in US soccer by limiting Messi Mania to its own in-house marketing. In doing so, it denies those outside MLS – from broadcasters to lower league teams to fans – the chance to ride the Messi soccer wave. This is more evidence that the focus of MLS is now on growing itself rather than the sport in the country as a whole.
This is a move MLS has been building up to for some time by belittling the Open Cup, claiming it not of sufficient quality, and questioning viewing figures. “From our perspective, it is a very poor reflection on what it is that we’re trying to do with soccer at the highest level,” MLS commissioner Don Garber said in May.
Things like the creation of the Leagues Cup and the planting of the idea that the Open Cup is somehow not worthy of MLS teams’ presence, despite being partly responsible for the marketing of the tournament, have set up the excuses used by MLS for withdrawing its teams. This manoeuvring is comparable to a government that favors privatisation gradually defunding public services before declaring they are not working and that only private companies can save them. MLS has privatised and monopolised the people’s game of soccer, or is trying to.
What next? The USSF’s Pro League Standards state that US-based teams in the Division I Men’s Outdoor League, ie MLS, “must participate in all representative US Soccer [USSF] and CONCACAF competitions for which they are eligible.” In sending its Division III MLS Next Pro teams to the USSF-run Open Cup, it appears MLS is breaking this rule.
Meanwhile, the ISC has been backed since releasing its statement by numerous supporters’ groups across MLS and beyond. There has been talk of boycotting the Leagues Cup while petitions have been set up to urge MLS to reverse its decision. It is now over to the USSF to deal with this disregard for its domestic national tournament, and to the groups of supporters who have invested so much in their clubs and the sport to hold MLS to account.