Choosing not to speak up as ‘good friends’ make racist comments

Adapted from an online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I are good friends with a couple who often make racist comments. I don’t know how to respond since I don’t agree with their perspective. But I don’t want to offend them by speaking up. I usually just change the subject.

I am still uncomfortable not letting them know I don’t agree with what they are saying. Is there a good way to deal with this, or should I just let it go and keep changing the subject?

-Friend

Friend: Oh, for fox’s sake, please offend these monsters with gusto. Then find better people to be your friends.

To: Friend: I recommend you look into the work of David Campt, who has developed a dialogue-based approach to sharing stories and empathy in order to have productive conversations as a “White ally” intending to move folks toward antiracist viewpoints and actions. I’ve learned his techniques in a few workshops and from his “tool kit” book, and they really work. It is way better to learn how to call people “in” as opposed to unproductive and relationship-damaging “calling out.” Good luck.

Anonymous

Anonymous: You mean like calling them “monsters”? Ahem.

Thanks for the tip. I looked into it, and see he counsels against lecturing and shaming as ineffective – and advocates for connecting through shared experiences. It’s a tactic I’ve run across before in the context of anti-bullying in schools, which seems like not at all a coincidental overlap.

Other readers’ thoughts:

If you don’t say something, they will think you agree with them.

Tell them you are offended by what they say. Don’t make it about the Brown and Black people who aren’t in the room. We White people need to be the ones taking the risks and confronting racism. Go for it, please.

I am White. An acquaintance (also White) once casually dropped some racist comments into a conversation. I politely asked them not to make assumptions about me based on my skin color. They were clearly puzzled, so I explained that just because my skin is White, it doesn’t mean that I automatically agree with their comments, or that I will just nod along without objecting.

Dear Carolyn: Is it a red flag to sometimes not feel physically attracted to your partner?

Flagging

Flagging: Too little information there. Are you approaching a 50th anniversary or your first? The former, meh, but the latter? Could be serious.

And what does “sometimes” mean – only when you’re tired and stressed, or only when your eyes are open?

There’s also no one right level of attraction for everyone. Some people want and need more than others. Some people will want and need more from others.

And there’s this, which might be all I’m able to say for sure and all you really need: If it’s a problem for you, then it’s a problem – because you’re the one living this life.