Getting Down on Your Knees Really Works

when it comes to prayer. Like everyone, god is just looking for an investment, some proof. God is just looking for something immutable, timeless. As in, your attention. As in fealty. Just like everyone, god is sorely mistaken about how the world works, trying, as he is, to fit it into some kind of godlogic that lops off whole limbs of mess, scraggly as they are and spilling out the sides. Get down on your knees, says god. God says, there is no somesuch but me. Yeah yeah, but. But isn’t that true of everybody? When I’m looking for attention I have a series of things I do, just like everybody, a procedure. I say to my husband, do you love me? He says, yes. I get down on my knees next to the dog’s bed and cover him with my body. I say, do you love me? to the dog. I tweet five things that will prevent me from getting jobs in the future. I do my tarot cards once, twice, three times.

My friend Becky texts me “there goes my paycheck” apropos of nothing. “They’re back,” she says. She texts me a picture of canned cold brew. I say, “Becky! Are you trying to text a different Katie?” At the nail salon, a woman gets down low, knees on a little cushion, and washes your feet, then grabs your hand and turns it this way, that, with total confidence. Hello, Jesus? How can you touch me without any intimacy? They say you are watching, but I feel no attention. As the woman buffs out my nails, I can feel that she is elsewhere. Sometimes the technician even wears headphones. Hello, Jesus? Am I supposed to be trying to reach you? “Becky!” I say, “I hope you enjoyed your cold brew!” What do you try after getting on your knees? God’s attention comes back like an echo, but is always inadequate. Because my investment is too low? Listen, god, I know you’re not real, but can you at least talk to me? My dog says “HERROOW” and stamps his feet, which is his way of trying to trick me into feeding him again. My husband says, yes, yes. I get down on my knees again, press my hands together and—god? Is this working for you? Fine fine it’s working for me.