DEAR ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE:

My husband and I have been married for 30 years.

It is our second marriage for both of us. Our kids are grown and gone, and we are retired. We are together usually 24/7, which is fine. He is somewhat insecure, and I do a lot to take care of him. I do all the cooking, pay the bills, etc. He takes care of me also.

The issue is, I have a sister who spends October through May in a southern resort area. Everyone in the family has been to visit except me. I have been hoping for years to go. I suggested it, and my husband has no interest in going. He told me to go by myself.

However, now that I am doing it (probably with another sister), he is very upset. He is acting terribly about this and acts as if I am leaving him. He is so angry and is being childish and belittling toward me. Am I in the wrong here?

— Wondering Wife DEAR WONDERING: While it’s normal for married couples to depend on one another and spend much of their time together, it’s so important for both parties to have interests and hobbies outside the marriage. You’re not wrong for wanting to visit your own sister with or without the company of your husband. Follow through on the trip and ask your husband to reconsider visiting, too, even if only for a few days.

DEAR ANNIE: After 45 years of what I thought was a loving and happy marriage, my husband told me he “is not in love with me” or “attracted to me” and “does not want to be with” me anymore.

A year ago, I talked him into going on vacation with me, my friend and her family member. A year later, I discovered he and my friend have been having “secret talks” on the phone for hours. After I discovered the phone calls, completely by accident, is when he made his proclamation. Never during our marriage has he ever acted this way.

During this year, I was also diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I couldn’t walk or hike as much as they could on the trip, and I was accused of being lazy. He said they both enjoyed the walks and hikes while I “purposely” sat on a bench. Also, they have “more in common”; he “enjoys talking to her more,” “being with her more,” etc. Plus, he’s sick of looking at me sitting in my recliner.

My “friend” lives three states away, and they haven’t been physically together. We tried counseling, and at the first session, when the counselor said it sounded like he was having an emotional affair, he got furious and refused to go back. He then moved to the other end of the house.

We’ve been separated now for two years. I’m miserable cohabiting in a house with someone I’ve been in love with for 51 years who doesn’t love me anymore. It’s absolute torture and doesn’t help my health issues at all. Please help, Annie!

— Can’t Afford to Move DEAR CAN’T AFFORD: I’m so sorry you’re entangled in such a difficult situation. Not only have you lost a partner, but you’ve lost someone you thought was a friend — a double betrayal.

After two years of separation and no signs of reconciliation, now is the time to move forward with divorce. It serves neither you nor your estranged husband to continue sharing a home together and dragging out the inevitable. It’s only making you both more miserable and further deteriorating your well-being.

Depending on your assets and how you and your husband decide to proceed, you might consider looking into how to put the house up for sale. With that money, you can finally find your own place to call home again.

DEAR ANNIE: You have a lot of common sense, and I am writing to you because I am looking for an outside opinion about my sudden pessimism about current events. Normally, I wouldn’t care what is going on in the world, other than as an observer.

But it seems like lately, world events keep changing our lives, and not always for the better.

Obviously, the biggest change came from COVID-19 and all the tragic deaths worldwide. But that included lockdowns — a term used in prisons. Then I read about a study from the prestigious Johns Hopkins University in which scientists examined a whole bunch of studies that concluded that lockdowns did almost nothing to prevent deaths.

I used to travel a fair amount, but I am reluctant to fly because I picture crowded airports, security lines and tightly packed planes with some passengers who no doubt have COVID19, and we would all be breathing the same air.

It has been two years since this pandemic started, and I haven’t gotten the virus yet, so I figure I’ll wait a while before trying to get back to where I was before the pandemic. I am vaccinated and have one booster shot.

But then there is the news that Russia is invading Ukraine, and I can’t fathom how Russian President Vladimir Putin thinks he can recreate the USSR and control a free people in 2022.

What’s happening with China? I watched some of the Olympics, but the setting seemed like it was at an industrial park or a nuclear power plant. When the athletes would finish a ski run, they would immediately put on their masks while standing outside in the open air. It made me uncomfortable to watch.

Gas prices are through the roof, and I keep hearing about “supply shortages” when I go to the supermarket. I went to a pet store the other day and could buy only four cans of the cat food that my cat likes. That’s all they had left, and the employees said they have no idea when they will get more.

I am sure things will get better. They always do. But right now, I am feeling powerless because of what is happening all over the world. Do you or your readers have any suggestions for how I can cheer up? I am curious to know how other people are handling all these disruptions.

— Feeling Powerless DEAR FEELING POWERLESS: For me, the best answer is found in the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Once you really embrace that philosophy, you will start to lighten up and feel better.

You are not alone in your feelings, and I would be curious to hear suggestions from other readers who are coping successfully these days, despite some pretty scary news from all over the globe. “HOW CAN I FORGIVE MY CHEATING PARTNER?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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