Wife wants out of marriage

DEAR AMY:

I want out of my marriage, but I have a darling 5year-old daughter and don’t want to ruin her life. I am also terrified at being financially ruined, since we live in California, a community property state.

We have been married for eight years. After we were married, I bought a house (encouraged by him — he is a carpenter and said we should get a fixer-upper). It’s in my name, and I pay the mortgage, insurance and taxes.

I asked him to contribute more. He simply said no and walked away. He refuses to fix our broken faucet.

When I try talking about raising our child or managing our house, he says “no,” changes the subject or becomes hostile. I have visited divorce lawyers for three years in a row. I’ve always changed my mind because I believe that to raise our child, I will have to figure out a way to communicate with him anyway. We live in a silent house in which we ignore each other. He loves his daughter, but doesn’t spend much time with her.

I insisted on couples counseling, and we went once. He never mentioned it again. I gave up.

He is not there for me emotionally, physically or financially. I work full time; his income is inconsistent.

Under California law, I might have to pay him alimony, share part of my pension or sell the house and share the profits.

How do I get out of this marriage without sending my daughter a message that I am giving up? Worried Wife

DEAR WORRIED: You are worried about the finances, but your husband’s share of your pension will be less now than later, and alimony will amount to less now than if you wait.

There are many families that simply can’t afford to divorce. If so, then you’ll have to stay together, or at least cohabit.

I don’t think divorce universally sends a negative message about “giving up.” Sometimes, it is simply an unavoidable casualty of a broken relationship that cannot be fixed. If you and your husband don’t give up on your daughter, then that is what will be most meaningful to her.

DEAR AMY: My hus- band, who is loving and good-humored, has become a snarling, rage-filled, redfaced, frustrated guy over the political shenanigans of the presidential race.

He is not violent toward me, but he is so angry that it is affecting our lives.

We are retirees and spend a great deal of time together — but it is not very enjoyable. Tired of it Already

DEAR TIRED: One suggestion is to be very intentional about media use. You cannot control what your husband reads and watches, but you can discuss ways to lower the media temperature at home.

Your husband’s venting may seem benign to him because it is not about you, but remind him that it is directed toward you and that it affects the way you see him.

You should not quietly tolerate behavior that is intolerable. The next time your husband rages, it might be best for you to leave the house. Tell him to get in touch once he has simmered down.