Transition strains friendships
DEAR AMY: A good friend of mine is transitioning from male to female. We have been friends for quite some time. She is, dealing with complicated emotional issues.
She suffers from deep-seated insecurities. She monologues about herself and how she is feeling. She acted like this when she was a man, but now it has increased tenfold.
My other two female friends in our circle firmly believe that her transition comes from a place of desperation for attention.
Her transition began simply, but it’s getting her the attention she craves, and now she likely feels she is in too deep to go back.
We have been extremely supportive of her throughout this process, and so are her parents.
Aside from her attention-seeking and need for approval, what we really take issue with is that some of the behaviors she thinks are “what it means to be a woman” are offensive, such as constantly apologizing for her appearance or her voice — because it doesn’t sound feminine enough — or announcing to the whole room when she needs to “powder her nose.”
We constantly vent about these things when she’s not around, but now we feel that we really need to address them directly with her. How can we do this in a positive way? Concerned Friend DEAR CONCERNED: If you intend to maintain a close friendship, then it’s time to act like a friend and be honest, instead of judging and gossiping about her.
I don’t necessarily see her behavior as “offensive,” but … cartoonish. In fairness, if you (and I) wanted to act like a man, we might behave like an exaggerated stereotype too. (I’d channel John Wayne, with notes of Ryan Gosling.)
She might be enjoying her current flamboyance. You can say, “Girl, do you want some tips on how to interact a little more like other women do?”
DEAR AMY: My friend asked to be a bridesmaid. I had been fighting with my boyfriend at the time. After I had agreed, I worked things out with my boyfriend and hoped to bring him as my guest.
My friend told me that she talked to her mother and fiance about my boyfriend and they had all decided that he drinks too much and is not wanted at the wedding. She said that they would allow me to bring my mother.
I wouldn’t want to skip my friend’s wedding, but as the date gets closer I get more offended. I want to support her, but I feel as if she should respect me enough to allow me to enjoy the event with my significant other.
At this point I’m considering ending the friendship once I’ve completed my obligation with the wedding.
Bridesmaid
DEAR BRIDESMAID: This wedding is not about you and your boyfriend. The couple is under no obligation to invite him unless you are cohabiting, engaged or married. If you cannot enjoy the event without him, then this reveals your own limitations. If you intend to end this friendship, perhaps you should start now, rather than go through the motions of participating in this wedding. Send questions to askamy@ tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.