Challenging daughter needs love
DEAR AMY: I’ve been with my fiance for three years. He has three children. “Carrie,” 11, has always been more difficult than his sons.
We were developing a close bond when I met them years ago. This was at a time when her mom was not very involved in her life.
My fiance and his ex had a bitter split. The mother constantly undermines their father to the children.
Now that her mother is fully in the picture, I find a lot of similarities between their personalities, and it is driving a wedge between us.
Her personality is loud, critical and, at times, she’s a bully to her brothers and her father. Nothing is her fault, she gets special treatment and has no sense of responsibility.
When she is at her mother’s, she gets treated like a princess. Her brothers have told me, and I’ve seen the coddling firsthand.
Carrie’s mom has refused therapy for her and is not open to discussing parenting. Worried
DEAR WORRIED: Don’t compare your stepdaughter’s negative traits to her mother’s, especially in her (or her brothers’) presence. Children in high-conflict divorces face extreme challenges. It is as if she is carrying water for her mother between households. Also, she’s at a tough and tender age.
If her brothers complain about her when they are at their mother’s, listen without criticizing. Your job is to parent all of them. Her father should take the lead.
There are aspects of being bold and bossy that will serve her well, but you need to try to channel her energy in positive ways such as sports, drama and scouting.
Therapy would help — she should have a safe space to talk.
You must set boundaries in your household. Sibling scuffles are inevitable, but bullying is a nonnegotiable “no.”
Love her fiercely, even when she is testing you, and do your best to let her know that you are on her side, without letting her control you.
Read “Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce,” by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll (2010, Avery).
DEAR AMY: I dated a girl a couple years ago, who I thought was the one. She was always reluctant to be serious, and we broke up about five times over the year we dated.
Our final breakup hit me hard. It took me another year to get over her.
I attempted to reconnect with her on Facebook.
I told her to contact me if she needed help with law school. She texted asking for help with an assignment. I gave her some cursory advice and asked if she’d like to talk on the phone, but she never responded.
I blocked her on Facebook, but later unblocked her and randomly, she added me. She liked a few of my posts but hasn’t reached out for a conversation. What should I do? Hopeless Romantic
DEAR ROMANTIC: Draw a chart of your relationship. Note the tempestuous, dramatic through line. And do nothing. At some point she will probably reach out and restore your hopes, only to yank out the relationship’s rug again.