Tryst reveals a lot about mate
DEAR AMY: I am a mature 25-year-old college-educated man with a great career.
I was on the dating scene for several years when I met “Julie,” the girl of my dreams.
We fell deeply in love and after four months we began to speak of a future together. We seemed compatible in all the important ways for a good marriage, and I was happier and more secure with her than with any other woman I ever knew.
Julie had just ended a long-term relationship when we met, and one day she told me that this old lover was in town and wanted to see her. She asked me if I cared, and I said it was her business and to do whatever she thought appropriate.
I later found out that she spent the weekend with him. She said that she was “only saying goodbye,” the tryst “didn’t mean anything” and had nothing to do with her love for me.
Apparently she thought it was “appropriate” to sleep with this guy, and that doing so wasn’t really cheating on me. I was shocked and appalled. My problem isn’t just that she slept with an old lover, but that she seems to think that such behavior was perfectly reasonable and I shouldn’t be upset about it.
Now I wonder if I really know her at all, and am thinking that I should break off our relationship, even though I love her with all my heart.
Amy, should I end this relationship? Conflicted
DEAR CONFLICTED: “Julie’s” choice has given you a window into her value system and temperament. You say that you wonder if you even know her at all, and I say that you actually know her much better, now.
She does not acknowledge that she did anything inappropriate, hurtful or wrong. She certainly refuses to validate your (very natural) feelings of betrayal. You two are a mismatch. Sexual fidelity might not be in her wheelhouse. But even if she were able to guarantee that she would remain sexually faithful to you, you need to contemplate what other behaviors she might justify that you would consider wrong or hurtful. Take a fresh look at the way she handles her friendships and family relationships. I assume you will see other clues to her value system. You should also get tested for STDs.
This might also be her cowardly way of ending the relationship with you. For some people, getting caught is easier (and more fun — for them) than having a hurtful, challenging breakup conversation.
DEAR AMY: “Working Hard, Hardly Working” complained about how hard it is to concentrate on his work when friends interrupt him at the coffee shop, which he seems to use as his office.
He has no basis for complaining; he is in a public place! If he doesn’t want to run into people, he should stay home.
Working Hard DEAR WORKING HARD: Touche. Send questions to askamy@ amydickinson.com or Ask Amy, c/o Tribune Content Agency, LLC., 16650 Westgrove Drive, Suite 175, Addison, TX 75001.