Family, in-laws battle for control

DEAR AMY » I have wonderful in-laws. They take care of my daughter and are very generous. However, they can be extremely overbearing and tend to meddle into our lives.

They also push their traditions and opinions on us.

For our daughter’s birth they got her a pillow that you decorate at every birthday until they are 21.

My husband despised the pillow growing up and does not want it to be a tradition for our family. On her first birthday we “forgot” to bring the pillow. They were very upset and would not let it go.

We are in the process of buying a home and every home we like or see they go to the open houses, drive around the neighborhood, and speak to all the neighbors.

We feel our privacy is being intruded upon and we want to make our own family traditions.

How do we tell them to back off without hurting anyone’s feelings? — Invaded

DEAR INVADED »

Do you remember the old joke that Woody Allen quotes in “Annie Hall”?

“A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, ‘ Hey, Doc, my brother is crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken.’ The doc says, ‘ Why don’t you turn him in?’ Then the guy says, ‘ I would, but I need the eggs.’ ”

Your in- laws drive you crazy, but they are generously providing you with lots of TLC.

You need the eggs. You just need to figure out how to make your omelet without cracking too many of them.

You and your husband must build a virtual picket fence around your family. The fence will have a gate on it. Every time his parents try to climb over a picket, they will get a little bit hurt. But if they learn how to use the gate, they will always be welcomed, warmly and without reservation.

You need to train them to always use the gate.

Don’t share any real estate transactions with anyone. If they ask why you’re being so circumspect, you should frankly say, “When there is anything to report, we’ll let you know.”

If they actually follow you around when you’re looking at houses, you will have to come down harder: “Folks, honestly, your involvement in this makes us uncomfortable and we’d like you to stop.”

In terms of the pillow tradition, your in- laws were confronted by the fact that a family tradition they had maintained for years was not enjoyed or appreciated. I can understand why they were upset.

Acknowledging this with respect and kindness (“I know you’re upset but...”) will help them to move on. Perhaps they could move this pillow tradition to their house ( your husband didn’t enjoy it, but your daughter might). Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.