Marriage roiled by infidelity

DEAR AMY » I have been married for two years.

My husband is much younger than I, but I love him very much. I asked him one day if he has cheated on me since we have been married.

He always used to say “no.” This time he said “yes,” and that he was sorry.

I have forgiven him. It is very hard. I want to know some details.

Should I ask, or should I let it be and try to go on?

He has answered some of my questions, but some he ignores — or changes the subject. What should I do? — Sad Spouse

DEAR SPOUSE » Admission and forgiveness is a start, but there is no “quick fix” to rebuilding your relationship after infidelity, because healing from infidelity is all about restoring trust, and this takes time.

Your husband should be completely transparent at this point, and tell you everything you want to know. Why? Because he loves you, and you are asking.

Many survivors of infidelity don’t want to know details of their partner’s unfaithfulness, but some people do need to know. Wondering and ruminating can make things worse for you, delaying your recovery from this extreme marital challenge.

The best place for you two to start this journey is in the office of a compassionate marriage counselor, who can help to guide this important conversation (and others that will follow).

You and your husband should both read “Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair,” by therapist Michele Weiner-Davis (2017, Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp). Your young marriage can survive this, but you need to forge a different path forward.

DEAR AMY » Thank you so much for suggesting cohabiting with a friend to “Burned,” who didn’t want to grow old alone.

My chronically cheating husband ended our marriage when I was 33. For about 10 years, I didn’t mind being alone, but after that it began to wear on me. I was an only child, with just my mother still alive. I knew that eventually I’d be completely alone. I didn’t have a playmate to travel with, go to dinner with, etc. I wasn’t looking for sex, I wanted a good pal.

When I was about 45, I met another woman who was in the same spot I was in. Long story short, we combined our fates and we’ve been happy together for 22 years. We’re not gay, although most people think we are. We’re committed platonic partners. We aren’t facing our later years alone. This isn’t for everyone, but like Mick Jagger said, you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

And we did. — Lexie

DEAR LEXIE » This is an ideal model for many people. I’m happy for you both.