A ring as virginity promise

DEARAMY » This is about my daughterin-law and a family heirloom I gave to her.

My youngest son and daughter-inlaw were very close with me until several years ago. I have no idea what happened between us, but they became very distant. I asked if I had done something wrong, and they didn’t answer.

When my son told me they were getting engaged, I said that I would love it if they would accept the engagement ring that I received from my grandfather when I was 18. My grandfather gave me a diamond, which I put in a setting. I wore that ring for 29 years.

When they officially announced their engagement I noticed she was wearing a different ring. I asked my son why he didn’t give her my ring. He said that she simply wanted her own

Well, eight years later, I have never seen her wear it. I have asked about it a few times. My son asked me to leave it alone.

My oldest son and his wife are blessed with five boys and one girl. My princess granddaughter has just turned 13, and is going to her first cotillion ball. I would love for this child’s father to give the ring to her as a promise ring to stay a virgin until she gets married, when another man would put another ring on her finger.

Of course, if I ever saw my daughter-in-law wearing the ring, I wouldn’t ask for it back. Can you help me ask for it back? — Sad Heart

DEAR SAD HEART » A “promise ring” sends such backward messages to a girl — it says that she can’t be trusted to make choices concerning her own body, so that her father basically holds her virginity until another man comes along to take it. Promise rings don’t work. Education and empowerment do work.

When it comes to this heirloom ring, you gave it to someone. You didn’t ask her if she wanted it or if she would wear it. You gave it to her, and now you are trying to attach strings to the gift.

Your relationship with your daughter-in-law is already so poor that you have nothing to lose by simply asking her if she would be willing to pass this ring along to your granddaughter (her niece). Otherwise, you might follow in your grandfather’s footsteps and give a special stone to a special grandchild, and renew the tradition.

DEARAMY » “Tired of Listening” was bothered by a friend’s constant complaining.

I had a sister that used to do this several times a week. The calls always ended in tears. I finally sat her down and explained she needed professional help that I was not qualified or comfortable providing.

The only mistake I made was doing it in a restaurant. She did seek help and our relationship improved. — No Longer Tired

DEAR NO LONGER » Your response was perfect.