Here’s a story of dysfunction
DEARAMY » Two decades ago my husband and I merged our families and then had more children together. We were a true Brady Bunch.
Fast-forward 20 years. We are now empty nesters.
The problem is that my husband’s birth children treat me like crap.
They don’t know when my birthday is and don’t acknowledge it. I don’t get a call or a card onMother’s Day. I don’t receive Christmas gifts. I never get thanks for their birthday, Christmas or other special occasion gifts that I send, nor do I receive acknowledgement for gifts to the grandchildren.
I feel hurt and fed up. I’m tired of feeling this way. I raised these kids for more than half their childhoods, so I realize that I share the blame for their bad behavior. It feels like they don’t want me in their lives. — Resentful Brady Mom
DEAR RESENTFUL » Being a stepparent is a generally thankless job. Years don’t make the job easier, or the relationships with your now-grown stepchildren any less complicated than when you first met one another.
You don’t mention if you’ve discussed your frustrations with your husband, but this is a family problem and he is your partner. If he had done things differently when the kids were younger, surely they would know when your birthday is.
Relationships do ebb and flow. Sometimes people get trapped in bad patterns, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It does mean that they don’t care to communicate, however.
You are at a tipping point in your relationship with these adults. Basically, now is when you get to say what you want, and ask them to participate. Say: “I have to be honest, I love you all and I’m proud to have had an important part in your lives when you were young. But I’m quite hurt that I never hear from you. I feel I’ve become quite invisible, and I would like for things to be different. I hope you’ll communicate with me about ways to improve things.”
If you try and nothing changes, you might choose to simply step back and anchor instead to those relationships in your life that are more positive and balanced.
DEARAMY » “Southern Exposure” wrote about her “Southern gentleman” boyfriend flirting with and kissing a neighbor on the lips in front of her. Thank you for quoting Southern writer Roy Blount Jr., who pointed out that it is not “Southern” manners — or good manners anywhere — to make others uncomfortable. — Southern Fan
DEARFAN » Mr. Blount’s advice — to follow the Golden Rule — was ideal, regardless of region.
Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com. You also can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@ amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.