Long marriage seems broken
DEARAMY » I’ve been married for more than 30 years, through good times and bad.
Right now times seem bad.
My husband has been retired for eight years from his job as a local trucker. He mostly worked nights.
When he was working, he blamed his bursts of anger on a lack of sleep. Well, many years post-retirement, he still has outbursts of swearing and yelling.
Back in the day, I would engage in the confrontations. Then when I was about 40, I made a decision that I just didn’t want to fight anymore. Instead, I disengage. Adults should be able to have conversations without shouting and cursing.
I told my husband that I don’t feel loved, and I don’t even feel liked. Therefore, I’m not interested in having sex with him, because he doesn’t seem to love — or even like — me. He has not confirmed or denied — or disclosed — his feelings about me.
There have been occa- sions, when I’ve been drinking, when we have had sex, which I do not remember in the morning. What would you call that? — Wondering » I would call that either blackout drinking (or a date rape drug), accompanied by sexual assault; or ( possibly) a psychological phenomenon called dissociation.
Dissociation is how some people cope with trauma — by basically detaching themselves from reality.
This is an armchair guess of mine (I’m not a psychologist), but if you are dissociating, it could have started with your ( healthy) choice years ago not to engage in your husband’s rages. Dissociation is an extreme form of detachment.
If your drinking isn’t causing you to black out and have memory lapses, then it’s possible that you are reacting to your sexual experiences with someone you don’t love (or even like) by basically blocking out the whole ep- isode.
If you are drunk or drugged, you cannot legally consent to sex. I assume the same standard applies to psychological injury or impairment. Your relationship with your husband seems to be thoroughly broken. It would be best for you to part, unless or until you two figure out how to communicate peacefully. And obviously, you should take an honest look at your alcohol consumption. DEARAMY » “Worried Dad” described his sonin-law, a physician, as being increasingly absentminded and accidentprone.
I have ADHD, and much of what was described in this letter would apply to me. People with ADHD are often misdiagnosed. — Reader DEAR READER » Many readers added their speculation to my own. My concern was that this man’s symptoms seemed to be getting worse.