I invite Warren to join my tribe — to become a Jew
WASHINGTON » Poor Elizabeth Warren.
She took President Trump’s bait and submitted to a DNA test to demonstrate her Native American genealogy. Now the Massachusetts senator is not only enduring Trump’s “Pocahontas” insults but also being disparaged by Indian tribes.
“Senator Warren is undermining tribal interests with her continued claims of tribal heritage,” proclaimed the Cherokee Nation, decrying her “inappropriate and wrong” use of a DNA test, a “mockery” that dishonors “legitimate” tribal citizens.
Ouch. But I can understand why the Cherokees — and indeed all people of good taste — might wish to disavow Warren: It’s the crab mayonnaise.
Among the many unfortunate results of Warren’s recent DNA test: It draws attention to her contribution to the ’80s cookbook “Pow Wow Chow: A Collection of Recipes from Families of the Five Civilized Tribes.” Under “Elizabeth Warren, Cherokee,” it lists five recipes, one of which is “Crab with Tomato Mayonnaise Dressing.” A crab dish from landlocked Oklahoma? This can mean only one thing: canned crab. Warren is unfit to lead. Yet it’s difficult not to feel sorry for Warren. Though she doesn’t claim tribal membership, I extend an invitation to the senator to join my tribe. Warren should become a Jew. As Trump said when asking for African-American votes shortly before praising Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee: “Honor us.”
The Tribes of Israel have little to do with Native American tribes beyond the Yiddish-speaking Indians in Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles.” But no DNA test is required. A stickler might require Warren to ask three times before becoming a Member of the Tribe — “MOT” — but for many, being Jewish is a state of mind, as comic legend Lenny Bruce explained decades ago:
“If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish. It doesn’t matter even if you’re Catholic; if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you’re going to be goyish even if you’re Jewish. … Chocolate is Jewish, and fudge is goyish. Spam is goyish, and rye bread is Jewish. Negroes are all Jews. Italians are all Jews. Irishmen who have rejected their religion are Jews. Mouths are very Jewish. And bosoms. Baton-twirling is very goyish.”
The same applies to politics. If you work in the Trump administration, you are goyish even if you are Jewish. The House is goyish, the Senate is Jewish. Jeff Flake: Jewish. Dianne Feinstein: goyish. Sonia Sotomayor: very Jewish. Steny H. Hoyer: crazy goyish.
Warren would have some work to do. Her demeanor screams white bread and Jell- O molds. But a few adjustments might help: Stop calling herself “an Okie to my toes.” (Even Jews who live in Oklahoma are goyish.) And, for heaven’s sake, stop with the crab mayonnaise.
Meanwhile, my “tribe” is only part of my heritage. Like most in the American melting pot, I’m a mutt.
This is why Warren’s DNA stunt was a blunder: She took Trump’s DNA-test dare and let him divide us — again — by race and ethnicity, just as he did when he goaded President Barack Obama to prove his legitimacy by producing his birth certificate.
It’s sad the Cherokees responded by noisily rejecting Warren, but that’s their right.
It’s disgusting it’s also set off the worst in some. Sen. Lindsey O. Graham, R-S.C., joked on Fox News that it would be “terrible” if a DNA test found he had Iranian ethnicity.
No, Senator. What’s “terrible” is that Trump has found a new, high-tech way to stoke tribalism and division.