Emotions roil when ex ties knot
DEAR AMY » My exboyfriend is getting married. We broke up only five months ago. We had stopped being intimate for a year before we broke up. That was a big problem for me. Plus, he smoked and drank and could not hold a job. He also has a terrible temper.
I am 62, and was married once before. He is 54, and has been married twice before. After we had been together for two years, he asked me to marry him, and I said no.
After I left him, I felt really good about my decision to end the relationship.
Why do I feel so sad and upset now?
Why should I care that he’s getting married? Why does it hurt, even though I left him? Apparently, he didn’t love me as much as I thought he did. What’s wrong with me? I cried myself to sleep the other night. Can you give me some answers? — Confused and Hurt DEAR CONFUSED » You are upset; this might be why your emotional abacus seems to be on the fritz. So, let’s recalibrate. This man asked you to marry him. Very wisely, you said no.
In every possible universe, both known and yet to be discovered, you win!
Getting married is not a signifier of success. For some people, getting married is what you do because you can’t hold a job, can’t quit smoking and drinking, can’t control your temper and are clinging to the bottom rung of the “whatthe-hell-am-I-doing?” ladder. Getting married is a distraction. And that distraction lasts between two weeks and two years. Then, it’s on to the next thing.
I give you permission to cry about this, to feel confused, and to send yourself on a brief “what-if” flight of fancy. But please, do not wonder about whether this guy loved you enough. Concentrate instead on loving yourself more.
DEAR AMY » I want to give a sort of public service announcement to the dogowning community at large.
Many well-meaning owners who have had their dogs since puppyhood assume that all dogs are friendly and want to play with each other.
In a perfect world this would be the case and I would love it, but unfortunately many dogs (and other animals) have gone through trauma that causes them to act out. My own dog, when approached by another dog, is likely to try to attack, no matter the circumstances.
We avoid situations like this whenever possible. But when a naive dog owner insists on approaching us with their dog, even as I yell, “No, no, no, he’s not friendly!” it really puts me in a tough spot!
Dog parents, your heart is in the right place, but please remember that some dogs have troubled pasts and are not safe when they are frightened. — Mutt Mama
DEAR MAMA » I hear you, regarding the challenges of acclimating a traumatized dog when other humans disregard your warnings.
Furthermore, loving dog owners, please don’t approach my young (possibly nervous or frightened) children with your large dog with the greeting: “It’s OK. Buster loves kids.”