Wife struggles to regain trust
DEAR AMY » My husband met a woman at work, and they’ve become friends. I didn’t find out about her until my husband came to visit me at my job, because he said something was on his mind. He proceeded to tell me about this friend and how they had shared a kiss and had been “sexting.” He told me he’d sent her a picture of his privates.
Of course, I demanded that he delete her phone numbers, pictures and Facebook-related items, which he did.
A month or two later, he asked if he could get her phone number and take a picture with her, as she was leaving that place of employment.
I said, “You know how I feel, but I’ll leave it up to you.”
He ended up retrieving both her phone number, and getting photo with her.
I feel like they should have no contact at all, but then I’m told I’m too jealous and that they’re just friends. She has expressed her romantic feelings for him.
I have endured suicidal thoughts because I felt like I was losing my husband and my marriage.
I live day by day, but the pain of what has happened eats at me all the time.
Am I crazy for feeling this way? — Betrayed
DEAR BETRAYED » You are not “crazy.” You are feeling your feelings, and you have every right to your own authentic reaction to this betrayal.
Please, if you are having suicidal thoughts, it is vital that you reach out for help and counsel. You deserve compassionate and immediate help to get through this.
If you are in crisis, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255, or online chat with a counselor (suicidepreventionlifeline.org). The Crisis Text Line also provides lifesaving connection and support: Text 741741 to connect with a supportive counselor.
Your husband betrayed you and now he is attempting to gaslight you in order to escape from taking responsibility for causing this distress. Yes, of course you feel vulnerable and jealous. This is a direct and understandable consequence of his behavior.
If he is motivated to restore trust, I believe it is possible, but not without a commitment to heal — and using professional help. You should do everything you need to do (talking to friends and family, writing, reading, and pursuing outside interests and hobbies) in order to cope with your daily emotional challenges. Even if your husband won’t see a therapist, you should.
The best book I’ve ever encountered on working through a period of broken trust is: “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass (2004, Atria Books).
One essential wisdom conveyed is that in order to regain trust the offending partner (your husband) should have NO contact with the outside party. So your own instincts to ask him to discontinue all contact were 100 percent correct.