Wronged spouse inherits debt
DEAR AMY » For three years before my husband left me, he was (unsuccessfully) self- employed. He struggled so much with his self-worth that I was afraid to anger him, especially on financial issues. He was hiding his lack of income from me and hiding unpaid bills. He drained a large inheritance, savings and retirement accounts. I was also unaware that he was racking up credit card bills buying bitcoin for online gambling and for renting and furnishing a secret apartment. (I was unaware of his affair until after the divorce.) Yes, I blame myself for this blind trust.
During this time my parents loaned us over $25,000. Some of this money was for our household, but most of it was for his failing business and his secret life. So, without realizing it, my parents essentially paid for my husband’s gambling and his affair! My divorce lawyer insisted on not pushing my husband on these repayments because he was severely depressed, and she feared he “would snap.” The loans became my responsibility in the divorce. My parents have mentioned that maybe it is my former in-laws’ responsibility to pay for their son’s bills. Asking for help would require divulging information about their son that his folks know nothing about: The loans, the gambling or the affair. Your thoughts?
— Stupid Blind Trust
DEAR BLIND TRUST » I’m not a lawyer and can’t speak to your lawyer’s advice, or answer the important question of why or how repaying this money became your responsibility in the divorce. I gather that this matter was somehow mediated or adjudicated through the courts and agreed upon — and that repaying these loans is in fact, for whatever reason, your legal responsibility.
If your folks want to try to pressure your ex’s parents to repay this money, it’s up to them, but why should these parents be responsible for their son’s debts? I’m inferring that either they cannot afford this sort of expense or perhaps they aren’t quite the soft touches your folks are, otherwise your ex might have gone to them for money in the first place.
Each person in your family system (you and your parents) seems to have enabled your former husband. Keeping the reality of his problems (his mental health issues, spending, gambling, cheating and lying) a secret seems to further enable him to perhaps continue in this cycle without getting help. There is an argument to be made that these issues (depression, gambling, leading a secret life) are connected.
You should continue to comply regarding your own legal responsibilities, and let your parents do whatever they think best. It benefits you if they get this money from a different source; it might ultimately benefit your ex if his secret life is finally exposed.