Mom bullies ‘frumpy’ daughter
DEAR AMY » My 24-year-old gorgeous, loving and generous daughter dresses (quite honestly) like a messy frump!
This wouldn’t be that big of an issue, but she does not have a boyfriend and is extremely lonely.
So far, she has had nothing beyond first or second dates.
Fortunately, we run a trade school and have about 50 eligible men coming through our school each year, but she refuses to keep her hair brushed or wear stylish clothes (even though I’ve taken her shopping for numerous professional outfits).
It’s not that she’s depressed or doesn’t know any better. Amy, she thinks she looks “just fine” and I’m a “very judgmental mom.”
Her dad and I want someone to love her just the way she is, but first impressions matter — and she makes a poor one.
I have tried to be tactful, matter-of-fact and even rude.
I have given her clothes, brushes and hair straighteners. We are almost positive that the reason she has not met the potential “one” yet is because she comes across as a frump.
I assume that you will tell me to stay out of it, but it’s hard to do that when I know that if she just tried to jazz up her initial impression a wee bit it would make all the difference in the world.
— Mom of Fantastic Frump
DEAR MOM » Wow, mom. Your question reads like something pulled from the wayback machine — when mothers encouraged, coached or bullied their daughters on how to catch a man. (In the movie version of this, Joan Crawford might play you.)
Your daughter might be lonely, but maybe she doesn’t want to date men. Or she might want to date men but perhaps not the ones who pass through your trade school. At 24, with full access to options and information, she should be free to make her own choices about how she wants to look and dress.
You’ve already deployed the nuclear option by being flat-out rude about her looks. I wish you would imagine the impact of this on her. Of course, the pressure you are exerting is not helping her. In fact, it is hurting her. Your description of her comportment and dress is of someone who is trying to be invisible.
If you can’t love your own daughter as she is, then how will she gain the confidence to find someone else who loves her as she is?
Ideally, home and family should be a safe harbor from the slings and arrows of the rest of the world. Or, as my mother used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” ( Yes, her silence sometimes spoke volumes.)
Your daughter should seek gainful and fulfilling employment, concentrate on her professional and personal development, work on her peer-friendships, and move away from your orbit. These are the only life skills you should be passing along.
Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.