Wife strays from dead marriage
DEAR AMY »
I’ve been married for over 20 years. Early on in the marriage, the intimacy died. I have tried everything I can think of — talking to my spouse, lingerie, seducing him, making the first move, and therapy. Nothing has worked.
He is a hardworking man and has taken excellent care of me and our three kids. We had our kids through artificial insemination because we didn’t have sex often enough for me to get pregnant.
I am positive he is not now, nor has he ever, cheated. He does have thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, and is an overworker.
I have been committed and faithful throughout, and have tried repeatedly to make things work.
I have come to the realization that I’ve waited for 20 years for my husband to touch me. (In the last 15 years, we’ve maybe touched about 10 times, if that.)
He claims it’s “my fault” and that I don’t try enough, or when I do it’s the wrong time, etc. He even once claimed I was unattractive because I had put on some weight.
I have recently decided that enough is enough, and I’m planning to divorce him. I’ve gotten a job and am saving up to rent an apartment on my own. I’m a couple of months away from moving out of the house.
I’ve recently met a guy. We have a deep connection. I want to move on, because in my mind and heart this marriage is dead. This other man is very interested in me, but doesn’t want to be “the other man.”
I completely respect his opinion, and am not pushing him.
Do you think I’m justified in moving on, even though I’m still living (temporarily) in the house with my (future) ex?
— I Need Affection
DEAR NEED »
Your situation is very challenging and depleting. You seem to be asking for (my) permission to leave your marriage, and to become sexually involved with this other man before you do. I can’t supply you with a justification to leave; it’s your life and you alone are responsible for your choices.
You seem to believe in the institution of marriage enough to have children with and stay faithful to someone who wants no physical contact with you.
This new romantic interest of yours has catapulted you into a sexually exciting phase, but — you are married, and you are a parent. It’s not just about you right now. You should see a lawyer. Discuss your responsibilities and options, as well as the real-life impact of your choice.
The other man in your story does not want to become involved with you while you are married. Follow his lead.