`Mama bear' is on the loose

DEAR AMY >> A few years ago, my in-laws sent my (then) young-adult daughter a birthday card. Normally this would have included a monetary gift or gift card. However, when she opened it there was simply a note stating that there would be no gift, as they did not agree with what she was hoping to spend some of her birthday money on (a tattoo).

The words were hurtful and made my daughter cry, which woke up the mama bear in me.

I told my husband that he needed to talk to his parents and have them apologize. He didn't get what the big deal was.

I didn't care about a gift, but their note was hurtful, and I felt my daughter deserved an apology from people who should love her, no matter their personal beliefs.

He thought I should call them, as I was more upset about it than he was. I told him I would not be able to control my temper.

He never said anything to them, although I have asked him to on numerous occasions.

Although I know my in-laws love us, they are much more distant — emotionally and physically — than the rest of our family.

My daughter is now planning her wedding. Due to ongoing health concerns, I am not certain they will attend, but I want us all to be prepared.

Should I press my husband to tell them the ways they have hurt our daughter? Should I? Or should I just do my best to stuff my feelings under the rug and try to forget them?

Our daughter has not forgotten, as it is a running joke anytime she gets a card from someone.

— Mama Bear

DEAR MAMA BEAR >> Your husband's parents were being judgmental and unkind — but, that's on them!

Their harsh judgment has likely caused their granddaughter to be wary of them. Again, that's a consequence of their choice.

I appreciate the fact that this has become something of a running joke for your daughter, because that's where I believe this incident belongs. (For instance, if she receives a fat envelope in the mail: “Ooh — come to mama! I smell tattoo money!”)

What I don't understand is why it is your husband's job to confront his parents over behavior that doesn't seem to surprise him in the least.

This incident happened several years ago. Your daughter is an adult. If she wants to try to affect some kind of resolution (for herself), she could contact them: “That birthday when you refused to send me a gift because you thought I might spend it on a tattoo — that really hurt! I felt like I'd fallen several pegs in your affection for me, and I worry that we've never really recovered.”

My advice for you is to do your best to accept their limitations as people and as grandparents.

And always, treat them the way you wish they treated others.