Girlfriend’s ‘ little’ lies alter trust
DEAR AMY: I have been dating my girlfriend for nine years. When we met, she was going through a divorce and had kids to raise, so there was no rush to take our relationship beyond dating.
Now with the kids gone, we have been talking about getting married. She is a very loving, caring and fun person to be with. All my friends and family think she’s great, and so do I, except for one little thing: She lies! They’re not big lies, but silly ones she calls “little white lies.”
I have talked to her about it, and she feels justified doing so to prevent hurting other people.
That’s because she has a hard time saying “no.”
If someone were to call and ask a favor, the only way she can say “no” is to make up some sort of story about why she can’t do it. She knows I don’t like it. While she might be getting better about it, I still have a hard time with it.
If little lies come so easily to her, what about big lies?
What do you think about this?
Concerned
DEAR CONCERNED: I agree that this habit could create basic trust issues between you. For instance, if she told you she couldn’t call because her phone ran out of juice, could you believe her?
In addition to you asking her to continue fighting this bad habit, you should explore your behavior to see if you are contributing to the problem. Does she feel the need to inflate situations because you don’t think small excuses (“I couldn’t find my other shoe”) are “good enough?”
If she could learn how to say “no” effectively, she would save lots of hurt feelings in the long run.
Here’s my short “no” lesson: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t do that. Please don’t hesitate to ask another time.”
The more layers a person paints on top of this basic “no,” ( no matter how benign), the more likely that the relatively minor lie will blow up and create problems for everyone.
If she can overcome this problem, it will free her in ways she can’t even anticipate. You cannot control how she treats other people, but you should continue to encourage her to change her behavior toward you.
DEAR AMY: I recently met a group of retired women for breakfast at a casual restaurant. One of the women brought her toddler granddaughter. During the meal, she let the girl sit on her lap and eat her scrambled egg and pancake off the table. The waitress offered her a dish or clean paper place mat but she refused, saying the girl gets enough germs on her own.
I was disgusted thinking of all the “ugly” germs on the table, but I didn’t say a word. Would I have been overreacting if I had said something?
Lost Appetite
DEAR LOST: I agree with you that this is gross and unappetizing. The grandmother could/ should have made a different choice — if only for the sake of the other diners.
But in terms of the “germ” issue, I think there is minimal risk to the child.
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The defenders’ communication, my topic thisweek, demands their close attention. Declarer usually has more entries; the defenders must manage theirs with care.
In today’s deal, West led the four of spades against South’s four hearts. Knowing the lead was a singleton, East hastily took the ace and returned a spade. West ruffed and led a trump, but when East won and led a third spade, South ruffed high; as the cards lay, he could have discarded. He drew the last trump and claimed, making four.
South should have failed, but East mismanaged the defenders’ entries. Since East has the ace of trumps for a fast re- entry, West’s spade ruff can wait. At the second trick East must shift to the jack of diamonds.
South wins and leads a trump, but when East takes the ace, he gives West a spade ruff ( leading the jack, his highest remaining spade, to ask West to lead a diamond next, the higher- ranking side suit). Then West can give East a diamond ruff for down one.
You hold: ♠ A J 9 7 5 3 ♥ A 4 ◆ J ♣ K 7 5 2. Your partner opens one heart, you bid one spade and he rebids two hearts. What do you say?
Partner has six or more hearts. He would never be obliged to rebid two hearts with a five- card suit; he would have an option. Bid four hearts. You could bid three clubs, but if partner tried 3NT next, you would then go to four hearts. Your hand isn’t strong enough for that sequence, which would imply slam interest.