Brother-in-law’s life a real mess

DEAR AMY: My partner and I have a baby boy and live together. We are nearly 40. We sold our homes during the housing crash of ’08 and got burned. After our son was born, we bought a home. We’ve become extremely frugal to save more for retirement and the baby’s college tuition. We are diligently saving and cut corners. We both work very hard.

His sweet, loving brother (age 33) lives nearby. His job depends on him being in good physical shape. He’s strong, but his health is deteriorating due to overeating. He’s a very hard worker, though, and has a good heart. Recently, he lost his only car to an accident. He has no savings and many maxed-out credit cards.

He told me his household expenses are $1,500 a month, just for food and living expenses. I was floored! We’re a family of three and our living-related bills are less than $1,000 a month.

I would like to have an intervention with him about his finances or ask my boyfriend to talk with him privately about cutting his expenses so he can eventually buy a house. We want to see him become stable and learn to care about his future self more than his present self.

He’s also very overweight, and has unattainable standards for a partner. I’m worried that he will end up homeless, and I feel that we have a responsibility to warn him of the consequences of living beyond his means.

Should we say it once and then back off? If he asks for money, should we lie and say everything is tied up in stocks? Or should we just “hope” he figures it out? We love him and want the very best for him. Worried

DEAR WORRIED: Given your own experience in the housing market, the last thing you should do is suggest that your debtridden and high-spending family member try to buy a house.

If he asks for money, that is your invitation to share your views on his money and spending issues, to try to help him. By all means, you should warn him of the consequences of his financial choices. And then you should let him feel the consequences of these choices. If you don’t want to loan him money, then say “no.” Don’t lie about it. His spending and debt make him a poor prospect for paying back loans.

His weight, relationship prospects and employment are his business. Back off and stop judging him.

DEAR AMY: The letter from “Upset Mom” made me see red. This woman had the nerve to judge the value of birthday gifts her twin sons received.

I was once a parent who struggled to afford things like birthday gifts. I hope others didn’t judge me the way this woman judges this other mom. Furious

DEAR FURIOUS: I’ve received a lot of responses to this question. All agree that “Upset Mom” should find something else to be upset about.

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